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Thread: So many close calls.

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    #1

    So many close calls.

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    My boyfriend is a Marine, and on his fifth deployment to the Middle East. We have only been dating a short while, and actually met online in the beginning of his deployment. Although our relationship henceforth has been built on Skype and satellite phone calls, I love him no less than I would if he were here. He loves me as well, as he said he knew very early on. When he comes home in late October, we get six weeks to ourselves because of all this vacation time he's saved up, and they're making him use before 2014.

    Now that I've set the stage for where I'm coming from... He was moved about a month ago to XXXX, and has been taking quite a bit of fire since then. He's had five or more near-death experiences on this deployment alone. He was shot in Fallujah in 2003 and nearly died. He tried breaking things off a month ago when he saw his close friend and XO die, but I convinced him that I was in this for the long haul, and I wasn't going anywhere. He was convinced he could only bring me sadness, and I deserved more. Well, we moved past that, thankfully, and he knows I'm here no matter what.

    What we can't move past however, is this feeling he keeps talking about. The amount of near-death experiences he's had so far. He has said he doesn't feel like he's coming home. I told him he can't know that. So he's been going out on more patrols than is required of him, and his pneumonia has come back. He's pushing himself too much, I told him, but he said "even without me putting in more patrols, I've still had more near-death experiences than any of my other deployments, disregarding Iraq." I know no amount of reasoning will convince my Marine to put in any less effort.

    I don't know if I have a question so much as a general plea for advice... 1) how do I keep myself sane, besides making myself busy with other things like work, exercise, graduate school, friends? I have a countdown app on my phone, and look every day and find solace in the fact that it's one day closer to having him safe, but with close calls like today, it doesn't seem to be much consolation. 2) What do you make of his "feeling"? Is this an inevitable feeling of his own mortality, after five deployments, or do you think a man can just know when his time is near? I like to think that this is just a manifestation of fear, and that he's not clairvoyant. But he seems convinced.

    I have just under five months to go before he comes home. With this "spring offensive" it makes those four months and XXX weeks seem like an eternity.
    Last edited by His*PITA*; 06-04-2013 at 06:59 PM. Reason: OPSEC Violations
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    #2
    Personally, I would delete the countdown app. I think stuff like that causes you to dwell on what you don't have and focus on the absence. You need to be whole and complete without him.

    As for his feeling, I don't believe in premonition. I think that when someone does something dangerous for long enough, they start to feel like they are tempting fate. That sense can be overwhelming, and that can cause one to feel it is more than just cumulative fear and worry.

    It sounds like you haven't met in person. If that correct? I'll be honest and say there are some red flags in your post that make me a little concerned he is a scammer, which, sadly, is not all that uncommon. "Deployed" is a great excuse when someone is unavailable due to marriage, or they just get off on collecting girlfriends.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Well, as an outsider, I can see why you'd think that, but our relationship leaves no room for questioning. Sort of a "you'd have to know what I know" thing. I've never suspected him of using me, and he continually floors me with how thoughtful and sweet he can be from afar. It would also be difficult to juggle talking to me via Skype so often, being an officer and all the demands of the job, and another woman. So no, the very idea is laughable. But I thank you for your concern!

    And you may be right with the countdown app. For some people it helps, but maybe I just need to throw all calendars out the window for now.
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Personally, I would delete the countdown app. I think stuff like that causes you to dwell on what you don't have and focus on the absence. You need to be whole and complete without him.

    As for his feeling, I don't believe in premonition. I think that when someone does something dangerous for long enough, they start to feel like they are tempting fate. That sense can be overwhelming, and that can cause one to feel it is more than just cumulative fear and worry.

    It sounds like you haven't met in person. If that correct? I'll be honest and say there are some red flags in your post that make me a little concerned he is a scammer, which, sadly, is not all that uncommon. "Deployed" is a great excuse when someone is unavailable due to marriage, or they just get off on collecting girlfriends.
    To the bolded: I agree with this. You need to be careful, OP. Have you actually seen his face on skype? Or was it just a phone call?

    I met my DB online too and before we even got invested in each other we video skyped to make sure we were both who we said we were. If you two have only been communicating through text, like email, texts, etc. then I'd be a little bit more curious.

    Also, have you been able to contact any other people in his family? That would further solidify that he's legit.

    That aside, if he is legit, thats something that my DB went through. He hasn't had very many near death experiences, but before I met him, he didn't really care about coming home. Thats what they call people who are passively suicidal. They wouldn't care if they're alive or dead. Idk if thats what's happening to him.. but either way, I would encourage him to talk to someone about it. (i.e. the chaplain, a higher up guy, a buddy of his, etc.)

    And get rid of the countdown. Maybe make a count up from when you started talking...?
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Personally, I would delete the countdown app. I think stuff like that causes you to dwell on what you don't have and focus on the absence. You need to be whole and complete without him.

    As for his feeling, I don't believe in premonition. I think that when someone does something dangerous for long enough, they start to feel like they are tempting fate. That sense can be overwhelming, and that can cause one to feel it is more than just cumulative fear and worry.

    It sounds like you haven't met in person. If that correct? I'll be honest and say there are some red flags in your post that make me a little concerned he is a scammer, which, sadly, is not all that uncommon. "Deployed" is a great excuse when someone is unavailable due to marriage, or they just get off on collecting girlfriends.
    unfortunately, i agree. and if he really isnt deployed, it really isnt that difficult to say he is deployed, and has a SUPER busy job, and is out on patrols, and all these things. when hes really married or something, here in the states, and using his free time to talk to you. i really really home that isnt the case, but i just got a pretty weird feeling about it reading your op.

    as for the feelings, i have gut feelings when things arent right or if something is going wrong, but i dont think one could have a gut feeling that youre going to die. but i guess anything is possible i find it more likely that if he really is doing the things he says hes doing and its really that dangerous, that he is just starting to feel surrounded by death and mildly depressed or anxious about it all
    we kicked deployment #2's butt!

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    Wow, I just... You know, I come on here with a problem, worrying that my boyfriend is going to walk himself into a dangerous, potentially life-threatening situation, and all you people do is question whether or not he is who he says he is. Find some weakness and just attack it, just because we are waiting out the rest of his deployment.

    No, I have not met the man yet. Yes, I've heard his voice-- almost daily for several months. Expensive satellite phone calls and all. He hasn't been able to video Skype me yet because of a rule they have. A while back, an officer in the Army was shot on video chat with his wife on the other end, and she sat there for two hours trying to contact someone. So, he can only video chat when he's in XXXX, and he has either been in the mountains or in XXXX, so all we've gotten was me video chatting and him voice chatting.

    I've heard his buddies around him, and just today while he called me up on satellite phone I heard a freaking bullet hit the windshield of his humvee, and heard him on the radio saying that he was taking fire. So no, I don't think he faked that, and yes, when he says he's deployed, I believe him.

    I didn't come here asking whether or not my boyfriend is who he says he is. He even had someone steal his photos from Facebook once to scam people. And no, I haven't met any of his family because his parents emigrated from another country when he was little, and they both passed away in the last 10 years. So all there is is his sister and nieces, and we haven't met because I haven't met him yet.

    If this is your idea of mutual support, I think I'll just try my hand elsewhere. I'm a little offended that you all kept up even after I said that wasn't a concern.
    Last edited by His*PITA*; 06-04-2013 at 07:01 PM. Reason: OPSEC Violations
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    And get rid of the countdown. Maybe make a count up from when you started talking...?
    Yep, did that already. It's a nice "count up" to look at.

    I have one app that actually shows time in a pie chart, so our time is represented as half green now and half red. The green grows by the day, so it doesn't look quite so scary as "4 months, 3 weeks..." bla bla bla.
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    QFP......part of "support", OP, is looking out for one another which is all anyone is doing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paliotta View Post
    Wow, I just... You know, I come on here with a problem, worrying that my boyfriend is going to walk himself into a dangerous, potentially life-threatening situation, and all you people do is question whether or not he is who he says he is. Find some weakness and just attack it, just because we are waiting out the rest of his deployment.

    No, I have not met the man yet. Yes, I've heard his voice-- almost daily for several months. Expensive satellite phone calls and all. He hasn't been able to video Skype me yet because of a rule they have. A while back, an officer in the Army was shot on video chat with his wife on the other end, and she sat there for two hours trying to contact someone. So, he can only video chat when he's in XXXX, and he has either been in the mountains or in XXXX, so all we've gotten was me video chatting and him voice chatting.

    I've heard his buddies around him, and just today while he called me up on satellite phone I heard a freaking bullet hit the windshield of his humvee, and heard him on the radio saying that he was taking fire. So no, I don't think he faked that, and yes, when he says he's deployed, I believe him.

    I didn't come here asking whether or not my boyfriend is who he says he is. He even had someone steal his photos from Facebook once to scam people. And no, I haven't met any of his family because his parents emigrated from another country when he was little, and they both passed away in the last 10 years. So all there is is his sister and nieces, and we haven't met because I haven't met him yet.

    If this is your idea of mutual support, I think I'll just try my hand elsewhere. I'm a little offended that you all kept up even after I said that wasn't a concern.
    Last edited by His*PITA*; 06-04-2013 at 08:05 PM.
  9. Mermaids4Lyfe, YO!
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Paliotta View Post
    Wow, I just... You know, I come on here with a problem, worrying that my boyfriend is going to walk himself into a dangerous, potentially life-threatening situation, and all you people do is question whether or not he is who he says he is. Find some weakness and just attack it, just because we are waiting out the rest of his deployment.

    No, I have not met the man yet. Yes, I've heard his voice-- almost daily for several months. Expensive satellite phone calls and all. He hasn't been able to video Skype me yet because of a rule they have. A while back, an officer in the Army was shot on video chat with his wife on the other end, and she sat there for two hours trying to contact someone. So, he can only video chat when he's in XXXX, and he has either been in the mountains or in XXXX, so all we've gotten was me video chatting and him voice chatting.

    I've heard his buddies around him, and just today while he called me up on satellite phone I heard a freaking bullet hit the windshield of his humvee, and heard him on the radio saying that he was taking fire. So no, I don't think he faked that, and yes, when he says he's deployed, I believe him.

    I didn't come here asking whether or not my boyfriend is who he says he is. He even had someone steal his photos from Facebook once to scam people. And no, I haven't met any of his family because his parents emigrated from another country when he was little, and they both passed away in the last 10 years. So all there is is his sister and nieces, and we haven't met because I haven't met him yet.

    If this is your idea of mutual support, I think I'll just try my hand elsewhere. I'm a little offended that you all kept up even after I said that wasn't a concern.
    Honey, the reason why everyone went to asking if you had met him before is because in the MANY years of this board (and off the board), people have been scammed and hurt by men (and women) claiming stuff that is not true. NO ONE WANTS THAT TO HAPPEN to you which is why that's where everyone's first thought goes. It's not because we are being mean or whatever. That's just where our heads and hearts go when someone posts something like your story.
    Last edited by His*PITA*; 06-04-2013 at 08:05 PM.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Paliotta View Post
    Wow, I just... You know, I come on here with a problem, worrying that my boyfriend is going to walk himself into a dangerous, potentially life-threatening situation, and all you people do is question whether or not he is who he says he is. Find some weakness and just attack it, just because we are waiting out the rest of his deployment.

    No, I have not met the man yet. Yes, I've heard his voice-- almost daily for several months. Expensive satellite phone calls and all. He hasn't been able to video Skype me yet because of a rule they have. A while back, an officer in the Army was shot on video chat with his wife on the other end, and she sat there for two hours trying to contact someone. So, he can only video chat when he's in XXXX, and he has either been in the mountains or in XXXX, so all we've gotten was me video chatting and him voice chatting.

    I've heard his buddies around him, and just today while he called me up on satellite phone I heard a freaking bullet hit the windshield of his humvee, and heard him on the radio saying that he was taking fire. So no, I don't think he faked that, and yes, when he says he's deployed, I believe him.

    I didn't come here asking whether or not my boyfriend is who he says he is. He even had someone steal his photos from Facebook once to scam people. And no, I haven't met any of his family because his parents emigrated from another country when he was little, and they both passed away in the last 10 years. So all there is is his sister and nieces, and we haven't met because I haven't met him yet.

    If this is your idea of mutual support, I think I'll just try my hand elsewhere. I'm a little offended that you all kept up even after I said that wasn't a concern.
    OP I understand your frustration with posters only questioning your DB's authenticity. However, this is an open forum. People will give their opinions and unsolicited advice whether or not you ask them to. That is one of the risks of posting on a forum like this. While you may not appreciate their questioning, all of the previous posts did provide some solution to your problem.

    I can understand why they expressed their concern, however, because this story just seems more and more unreal as you try to clarify. I hope you understand that the questioning of your DB's authenticity comes from a place of concern and not malice.
    Last edited by His*PITA*; 06-04-2013 at 08:05 PM.
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