I think I might have...*issues*...(minor bad language)

[SoldiersMuse]

Before I begin, I'm just going to note here that I am the mother of a 16 month old baby boy, and my fiancee has been deployed for 6 months.

I'm the kind of military SO that is hardcore in to the military lifestyle, supportive, respectful, disciplined, and faithful, understanding, strong...etc etc etc. I'm a true patriot and would die for my country and I mean that in the most literal of ways. Before I found out that I was pregnant I was within a week of signing my enlistment papers for the Marine Corps. I'm as hard-@ssed as they come. I consider myself to be the strongest person emotionally that I know. I don't let things get to me, nothing stresses me out, everything rolls off my shoulder, and my motto is that life could always be worse, and it has to get worse before it can get better...

I'm one of those people who had a really crappy up-bringing and I've been through some sh*t that I wouldn't wish on any child, and I know that it has made me the person that I am today. Or at least the person I was until recently. I am normally emotionally detached, or vacant, or guarded. You pick your definition or term for someone who isn't sensitive and that's the term we'll go with. I'm not in to flowers or hoity-toity prissy girly stuff. I wasn't hugged enough as a child. *sarcasm* I love movies with lots of violence, and I hate chick flicks. I NEVER cry. If I do cry, no one knows because no one ever sees me do it. In fact I've had friends talk about things, terrible things, from the present or from my past, things they know would strike a nerve, just to see if it'd make me cry. I'm THAT emotionally...screwed up. I kind of like it that way. I consider it being strong, not insensitive. I can be sensitive sometimes, just not very often and it has to be something really serious. Or at least that was until recently. Lately, I don't recognize myself, and here's why.

I cry. A lot. For no fricken reason. I'll be doing something, or not doing anything, and just break down and fricken bawl my eyes out. What the hell is up with THAT? On top of that, I'm lazy. Kind of like I've just let myself go. The house is a "mess," in my opinion, which people would probably be completely dumbfounded if they saw my apartment. My son has like 6 toys scattered across the living room floor, and on the dining table is my diaper bag and a box of diapers along with some mail, theres an unfolded blanket and an ACU bag on the sofa, and on the love seat is a notebook. That is messy to me. My bedroom is worse. I've got clean clothes in the laundry basket and at least a load of dirty ones on the floor. Still these aren't my main concerns.

My main concern is my son. Lately I have felt completely detached from him. I'm not one of those mommies that gets down on the floor and plays and rolls around and gets all excited and hoots and hollers. I get bored with that kind of stuff. In my childhood I was forced to grow up fast, and I would hate for my son to have to miss out on being a child because I don't understand the "lifestyle", if you will, of a child. I'm trying to learn how to have fun but its been an uphill battle. On top of that, I'm getting angry with him. REALLY angry. I feel this rage building up inside of me and I've just got to go in to the other room and close the door and lay on the bed and I cry. I have a whole bunch of pillows stacked up where my fiancee used to sleep, and I cuddle those and sob in to them for about 5 minutes, take a deep breath, and go back to trying to be a good mommy. He whines SO MUCH. Its almost constantly. I hear it in my sleep. He's always trying to crawl up on to me, or follows me around even if I'm going to the bathroom, and the whole time he's whining. There are never any tears. Just constantly nagging me to pick him up. My step mother has told me that I need to stop carrying him everywhere, so I've made him start walking when we go places and he really enjoys it. And of course while we're out he's an angel, but as soon as we get home he's up my @ss. I'll be trying to do something and he'll just keep on pulling and whining and it drives me insane. I just want to ball up my fists and grit my teeth and be like "What the hell do you want?!" but I restrain myself. My behavior is starting to scare me though. I have always wanted children and Owen literally saved my life, but I imagine taking him to my parents' house and just driving away. That of course makes me cry too and then I'm even more frustrated and feeling down and like a terrible mother. I went to school to be a childhood education teacher. I bought him Your Baby Can Read and am constantly teaching him things, and he is so smart, and happy, but sometimes I look at him and I feel like he's depressed too. He'll just look at me with sad eyes or my opinion of sad eyes, or maybe I'm just imagining it...

My point is, is this just mid-deployment meltdown, postpartum depression, regular depression, mental breakdown, me being a bad mommy, or something else all together? I know I'm not the first and only woman to be going through these feelings, so please, if you have gone through this, I REALLY need advice.



*No bashers please, its really immature and I don't want to deal with it right now*

[BJo]

I think you need to stop pushing your emotions away and pretending like they don't exist. It's a recipe for disaster and will effect your relationship with everyone, not just your son.

[MyFlyBoy]

Its the Rollercoaster honey. You've hit the low spot. Its gonna take time to get back up that hill.. I am the most non - Girly girly and when DH was Deployed I bawled all the DANG time. Watched chick flicks too. I hated 4x4. It was a kindof surreal but everything does come back down to normal after the deployment. But now you just need some me time. Go out get a baby sitter go out and just have a good time go to dinner with some friends or just rent a movie. Having me time is ok. Your son can Sense when there mom is upset so he just wants more attention he is trying to comfort in what they now of .. Hope it helped some

[*Kim*]

You should really consider going to the doctor. It may be postpartum. It could be regular depression because you resent your SO for being away. Either way, I'd seek professional help. They may be able to help you with some kind of medication or form of meditation to help regulate your moods. Good luck to you and I hope you get the help you need!

[little.lili]

My totally random and unprofessional opinion is that it sounds a lot like postpartum, mainly because it sounds like it is more about your son than your DF.

Depression is depression, but with the focus of it being on your son, then postpartum depression would be my guess.

I think that I would just go to my Dr to talk about it and see where it goes from there. I don't know if you're too nervous to talk about this to anyone else, so your doctor would be the safest place to start.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time Deployments suck!!! And babies at that age can be unbearable!!! (and I work at a daycare with em so I get to give them back!!)


If anything, try to take it one day at a time. Take control and make a list of things you want/need to do and force yourself to get them going tomorrow. That might help you feel more in control.

s

[SoldiersMuse]

Originally Posted by MyFlyBoy Its the Rollercoaster honey. You've hit the low spot. Its gonna take time to get back up that hill.. I am the most non - Girly girly and when DH was Deployed I bawled all the DANG time. Watched chick flicks too. I hated 4x4. It was a kindof surreal but everything does come back down to normal after the deployment. But now you just need some me time. Go out get a baby sitter go out and just have a good time go to dinner with some friends or just rent a movie. Having me time is ok. Your son can Sense when there mom is upset so he just wants more attention he is trying to comfort in what they now of .. Hope it helped some

I forgot to mention that he is in daycare. He goes to daycare every weekday from 0900 to 1600 and its supposed to be my time to go out and look for a job. We don't need me to work because right now he's making pretty decent money, but I feel bad for not contributing so I'm *supposed* to be looking for work while he's at daycare. What I'm really doing is coming home and sitting on my @ss, sleeping, and being depressed until I go and pick him up at 1600. About the friend thing...I don't have any. I barely even really have any family. My SO is my friends and family. Friends meant drama and effort so I gave up on them many years ago and have become so self-reliant that its hard for me to put myself out there to meet new people. That and where exactly would I go to do that anyway?

"BrittanyJo: I think you need to stop pushing your emotions away and pretending like they don't exist. It's a recipe for disaster and will effect your relationship with everyone, not just your son."

It all ready has. I wrote a really nasty blog telling off most of my mother's side of the family (she's the youngest of 10 so its a pretty big family) because they're all scumbags and do things like have sex with their sisters and marry their cousins...that went over REAL well. At least my wedding guest list will be substantially less than I initially expected...right?

My relationship with my father and his side of the family is becoming more and more strained. Both my parents have remarried and I've got 4 parents to deal with now, so sometimes it can get stressful. My step mother means well but she's really naggy and every time I turn around she's telling me how I'm doing something wrong. I got fed up with all the drama and not feeling good enough so I told my father that his family didn't have to be at my wedding. Then of course my step mother and I talked on the phone for two hours and we cried and kind of made up, but I still feel really awkward and I'm not going to be visiting them any time soon. So its all ready started to effect family and social relationships. What now?

[BJo]

Originally Posted by SoldiersMuse I forgot to mention that he is in daycare. He goes to daycare every weekday from 0900 to 1600 and its supposed to be my time to go out and look for a job. We don't need me to work because right now he's making pretty decent money, but I feel bad for not contributing so I'm *supposed* to be looking for work while he's at daycare. What I'm really doing is coming home and sitting on my @ss, sleeping, and being depressed until I go and pick him up at 1600. About the friend thing...I don't have any. I barely even really have any family. My SO is my friends and family. Friends meant drama and effort so I gave up on them many years ago and have become so self-reliant that its hard for me to put myself out there to meet new people. That and where exactly would I go to do that anyway? "BrittanyJo: I think you need to stop pushing your emotions away and pretending like they don't exist. It's a recipe for disaster and will effect your relationship with everyone, not just your son." It all ready has. I wrote a really nasty blog telling off most of my mother's side of the family (she's the youngest of 10 so its a pretty big family) because they're all scumbags and do things like have sex with their sisters and marry their cousins...that went over REAL well. At least my wedding guest list will be substantially less than I initially expected...right? My relationship with my father and his side of the family is becoming more and more strained. Both my parents have remarried and I've got 4 parents to deal with now, so sometimes it can get stressful. My step mother means well but she's really naggy and every time I turn around she's telling me how I'm doing something wrong. I got fed up with all the drama and not feeling good enough so I told my father that his family didn't have to be at my wedding. Then of course my step mother and I talked on the phone for two hours and we cried and kind of made up, but I still feel really awkward and I'm not going to be visiting them any time soon. So its all ready started to effect family and social relationships. What now?

Have you tried talking to a professional about how you are feeling? I think it would be really good for you to talk to someone who is unbiased and can shed some light on the situation for you. You seem like a tough cookie and it may be hard to admit that you need a helping hand but I truly believe it would be beneficial.

[SoldiersMuse]

Originally Posted by kdlansdale You should really consider going to the doctor. It may be postpartum. It could be regular depression because you resent your SO for being away. Either way, I'd seek professional help. They may be able to help you with some kind of medication or form of meditation to help regulate your moods. Good luck to you and I hope you get the help you need!

You had me until you said I resent my SO for being away. I love and respect him and would take his place in a heartbeat. It is an honor to be deployed and serving this country. So, its definitely not resentment. Thank you for everything else you said though.

[SoldiersMuse]

Originally Posted by BrittanyJo Have you tried talking to a professional about how you are feeling? I think it would be really good for you to talk to someone who is unbiased and can shed some light on the situation for you. You seem like a tough cookie and it may be hard to admit that you need a helping hand but I truly believe it would be beneficial.

That was actually one of the things my step mother and I talked about the night we made up on the phone. She asked me to seek help and I told her I didn't know if I could get myself to talk to someone like that. My mother forced me to go through therapy for 10 years because she thought I was screwed up because she divorced my father when I was 2. Totally untrue by the way and this is not about my parents. Anywho, she offered to go with me and I feel really good about that. She said she would be willing to wait in the waiting room if I wasn't comfortable with her being in the room with me, and to just make and appointment and she'd check her schedule and go with me, if she is working I'd reschedule and we'd figure something out. Only now I have to make myself look for a psychologist...Which is a big step for me.

[QMC's Wife]

It sounds like you should talk to your doctor and possibly a counselor. My heart goes out to you and I hope you speak to someone that can help you. You deserve a happy life and so does your little boy so do your best to get on the right track and live your life to the fullest.