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Thread: Fisrt Deployment.. marriage??

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    #1

    Fisrt Deployment.. marriage??

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    Hey guys! So my boyfriend goes on deployment pretty soon and I don't know what to expect.. He is coming home for two weeks soon and then will be leaving for deployment. I'm a college student attending the college in the town we grew up in and he is stationed all the way across the country from me. So we are long distance and will be for a long time. I guess the biggest thing on my mind is marriage.. He said the money would be a lot better and that he would put it in a separate account and we would use it to buy a house in a few years. We've been together for a year right now. I wouldn't think twice about this if we were guaranteed to stay together, but life happens..
    I don't have any doubts, I really do think we will stay together, but there's always the "what if" because you never know what you will go through.. Just a little advice from any of you who has gotten married like that? And young? (We are 18 and 19) While still being distance for a while after? Or maybe had the chance to and chose not to? Sorry this is so long! Thanks guys
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    #2
    Don’t do it. Take the time to focus on your schooling and learn who you are as an individual. Too many people, who are in situations like yours, see the “fairytale” and it rarely works out. What happens when he comes home? Do you move? What about school? Do you receive financial aid, because that may change if you get married. How will you afford school then? Many military bases are located in areas where more than minimum wage jobs are scarce. Is minimum wage even enough to cover your schooling costs?

    Bottom line: Get your degree, then consider the next step in your relationship.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    Don’t do it. Take the time to focus on your schooling and learn who you are as an individual. Too many people, who are in situations like yours, see the “fairytale” and it rarely works out. What happens when he comes home? Do you move? What about school? Do you receive financial aid, because that may change if you get married. How will you afford school then? Many military bases are located in areas where more than minimum wage jobs are scarce. Is minimum wage even enough to cover your schooling costs?

    Bottom line: Get your degree, then consider the next step in your relationship.
    Agree 100%!! You are so young and about to learn a lot about yourself. DH and I were long distance for 4 years when I was at school. It was hard, but we made it work and I wouldn’t change the fact we waited. In fact, after getting married at 21, I’d probably tell myself to wait a couple more years, if anything.

    Like PP said, you might get a bit more in his paycheck while he’s gone, but that will easily outbalanced by your other extra costs and limited options for earning potential.
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    #4
    Life still happens when you’re married. Don’t get married just so you feel like you can’t break up, divorce is way harder.
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    #5
    He can save the money even not being married. Sure there is a few things he won't get as far as money but honestly he can save plenty too. I would just focus on that degree and the relationship vs the whole married part. Yes things change even in marriage when the service member is deployed. Things are always changing but that is life.
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    #6
    Don't do it.
    I don't want to be a jerk but dating someone for a year at 18/19 does not a marriage make. There are exceptions for sure, some ladies on this site are the exception.

    I will tell you I dated someone who I thought was the *one* right up until we broke up right after my 18th birthday. I started talking to dh the day after.

    It would be a far better bet to do LDR and be sure at the end (been there, did it for 4.5 years) than to jump into marriage. I know a year seens significant now, but it is really a short period of time.
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    #7
    Don't do it. You are so young!!! Give it time, he can still save extra money in the mean time.
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    #8
    Short answer: Don't do it sis. Finish school first.

    Long answer: Marriage will affect your financial aid. And if you move in with him, you can't always just transfer schools. Lots of military posts aren't near college towns where commuting is feasible. If you don't transfer somewhere else and decide you want to finish school, you probably wouldn't be moving to be with him after his deployment is over anyway. Your education should be your priority, and frankly, if your boyfriend loves you, it should be a priority for him too.

    At the end of the day, only you know your relationship. Y'all need to have a LONG conversation about the logistics of being married at this stage in your lives. This is more than getting Family Separation Pay and BAH. If you budget correctly, you can save money without the extra pay. You need to discuss where you'll live, what will happen with school, if you'll share finances, how you'll work, etc. Make a pro/con list. What is your vision for the next 5 years of your life? Where do you want to be? Will marrying your boyfriend now help you achieve those goals? I think if you look at these things from a cost-benefit perspective, you'll see that it's probably a better idea to wait.

    DB and I were 20 when we met (I just turned 21). We both knew we didn't want to get married young, but we had a serious conversation about it anyway so we could determine why waiting was the best decision for us since we're in a long-term relationship. DB has been in for a year and almost every young couple he knows that got married this year is now no longer together, so he doesn't want to be one of those couples by getting married too soon. I'm still in school and have specific career goals, and I'm almost definitely going to graduate school, so even getting engaged isn't on the table until I finish at least undergrad. DB prioritizes my education just as much as I do and doesn't want me to feel like I need to leave school or my job just to be with him. This conversation allowed us to come up with a plan that works best for us and our relationship, and marriage while he's still in the Army is not in the cards for us. We weighed the pros and cons and came to a logical decision about our timeline for the future.

    I don't want to discourage you or make you feel pessimistic about your future with your boyfriend. Lots of couples get married young and it works for them! I know couples like this! But based on what you told us about your life, the best decision seems to be waiting. Again, only you know your relationship, but don't abandon all the plans you have for yourself just to close the distance. As long as he's in the military, the distance will always be there.
  9. Dancing Backwards in High Heels
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Taylor_ View Post
    Hey guys! So my boyfriend goes on deployment pretty soon and I don't know what to expect.. He is coming home for two weeks soon and then will be leaving for deployment. I'm a college student attending the college in the town we grew up in and he is stationed all the way across the country from me. So we are long distance and will be for a long time. I guess the biggest thing on my mind is marriage.. He said the money would be a lot better and that he would put it in a separate account and we would use it to buy a house in a few years. We've been together for a year right now. I wouldn't think twice about this if we were guaranteed to stay together, but life happens..
    I don't have any doubts, I really do think we will stay together, but there's always the "what if" because you never know what you will go through.. Just a little advice from any of you who has gotten married like that? And young? (We are 18 and 19) While still being distance for a while after? Or maybe had the chance to and chose not to? Sorry this is so long! Thanks guys
    +1 for don't do it. There are members here who got married really young, and I don't know one who hasn't said that it is ROUGH. The money isn't much more TBH. I think DH's separation pay when he was gone was a whopping $100/month. Like previous posters have said, it can mess up your financial aid, and not in a good way. It did with mine when I got married.
    I was in your shoes when I was 19 as well. Head over heels in love with my boyfriend. He was going to get stationed across the country, we were planning a wedding. What happened? We grew up, we grew apart. We didn't want the same things out of life when we really sat down and talked about it. He wanted a SAHW/M, I wanted to go to law school. We put our wedding on hold and eventually broke up. It's fine, I later met DH and couldn't have been happier that I waited.
    We have another member who was in a LDR (long distance relationship) for 7+ years because she wanted to finish vet school. She finished school, they got married and are awesome.
    Moral of the story, if it's meant to be, it will still be after deployment. Wait, finish school and do things on your timeline, not the military's.
  10. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #10
    Don’t do it.

    The money will be better, but not so much better you could buy a house with it, and getting married would REALLY complicate your studies - it would affect your financial aid, you’d have to transfer (which you might not be able to do) and would generally make it very difficult.

    I know you love him. If he loves you as much, he’ll be willing to wait for you to get the education you want.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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