Here we go

[JCH0724]

I've been on this site for a few months now. Posting, reading, looking for answers. More often than not, I have asked for advice.

This will be our first deployment. This predeployment has been beyond stressful. Even though I've personally grown a lot from it, I have also stressed a lot because of it. In the 6 months J and I have been together, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but before then, we'd have to get through a deployment. I haven't experienced any detachment on his behalf until recently. In the past few days, all I receive are texts from him, sometimes a short phone call. He is extremely busy, but I feel immensely alone with my feelings. I know that he loves me because he will still quickly call and tell me or send me a text.

I feel like I am expected not just to support him but also to remain loving and patient while he builds up his walls, hardens his heart, and focuses on his goal to get his job done and come back to me. I can't remain all lovey dovey without much reciprocation. How do I do that? I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride and honestly, my emotions are starting to shut down. That scares me. I love DB but he is not gone yet and little to no communication with him at this time really sucks.

Emotionally, how do I get through this deployment? Now I have to be strong and have faith that DB will make it home safely and still love me. How do I go on when DB has shut himself down and hardly talks to me? What gives? I'm not even angry, but I am close to tears. How do I get through this? How does a relationship last during such a stressful moment?

If we can't get through this, it says it all. I wish we were already over this deployment...or that I at least felt better about it. I know there are bad times as well as good times in a relationship, but I don't know how to go about this. I am trying to learn and understand because walking around with my head in the clouds, think everything will be dandy, is just not going to work.

[MS234755]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 I feel like I am expected not just to support him but also to remain loving and patient while he builds up his walls, hardens his heart, and focuses on his goal to get his job done and come back to me.

I'm not really sure how to respond to this specific part of your post.

But.... yea, that's kind of the idea. They withdraw slightly as the deployment gets closer. The walls are not going up to keep you out- they're to keep out fear and other distractions. His heart isn't hardening, it's preparing to be apart from you. And the last sentence really confuses me. Do you want him not to focus on his goals, get his job back, and come back to you? All these behaviors are part of how some guys cope. It's how they prepare for the task at hand, it's not about you.

Don't get me wrong, if you feel like you're being LEGIT emotionally neglected, you should talk to him about it. But he's still texting you and calling you, so it doesn't seem that way to me. It's only been a few days, he could have something specific on his mind. They also get REALLY busy right before they leave, he may just have been too exhausted to put in his usual effort. Right before DH left for Iraq, he was working fourteen hour days. Next time you talk, let him know you're there for him if he needs to talk, but don't push it.

For me personally, I go to my girlfriends for the support I need during and before a deployment. While I would have a problem with him completely ignoring me 24/7, I don't want to add to his stress if I can help it. They're under enough pressure before they go (and while they're there), that I consider supporting him my number one priority. If something's really wrong, I'll talk to him about it. But if I can deal with it another way, I do.

You should still be a priority to him. But this deployment is his first priority now. It has to be, if he's going to keep himself and those around him safe. Part of being in a military relationship is understanding that, and staying strong and supportive in spite of it. As hard as it is for us, it's harder for them.

It will help you both to sit down before he leaves, and discuss how you plan to keep communicating effectively with one another while he's gone.

[Sarahcuda]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 I've been on this site for a few months now. Posting, reading, looking for answers. More often than not, I have asked for advice. This will be our first deployment. This predeployment has been beyond stressful. Even though I've personally grown a lot from it, I have also stressed a lot because of it. In the 6 months J and I have been together, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but before then, we'd have to get through a deployment. I haven't experienced any detachment on his behalf until recently. In the past few days, all I receive are texts from him, sometimes a short phone call. He is extremely busy, but I feel immensely alone with my feelings. I know that he loves me because he will still quickly call and tell me or send me a text. I feel like I am expected not just to support him but also to remain loving and patient while he builds up his walls, hardens his heart, and focuses on his goal to get his job done and come back to me. I can't remain all lovey dovey without much reciprocation. How do I do that? I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride and honestly, my emotions are starting to shut down. That scares me. I love DB but he is not gone yet and little to no communication with him at this time really sucks. Emotionally, how do I get through this deployment? Now I have to be strong and have faith that DB will make it home safely and still love me. How do I go on when DB has shut himself down and hardly talks to me? What gives? I'm not even angry, but I am close to tears. How do I get through this? How does a relationship last during such a stressful moment? If we can't get through this, it says it all. I wish we were already over this deployment...or that I at least felt better about it. I know there are bad times as well as good times in a relationship, but I don't know how to go about this. I am trying to learn and understand because walking around with my head in the clouds, think everything will be dandy, is just not going to work.

It is tough to be patient during the process of withdrawal, even though my DB didn't withdraw beforehand, he did when he got there and he got caught up in the new experience. The first month or so of deployment takes a lot of teeth gritting through the tough parts, and the pre-deployment dread is the absolute worst. You just have to try and have as much faith as possible in your love as a couple, and be there for him, but it's okay to occasionally ask for some support in return. DB kept stressing to me that it was okay for me to tell him about the down feelings I was having, and I think that was part of the reason that we didn't feel distanced (besides physically) during the deployment (at least, after the boneheaded first month). If you go through the deployment as a team, it can be much, much easier than trying to go it alone, for both of you.

Your DB is probably feeling pretty overwhelmed and tense about deploying, so it will probably take him time to adjust to how things will be. Try to treat this as a phase and remember how he normally is, when he doesn't have such a big event hanging over his head. And above all, tell yourself that it will be okay, every day if you have to! It's amazing how much even saying those words can help sometimes when things feel terrible.

[JCH0724]

MS234755, I do want him to focus on his goals and I do want him to focus on his responsibilities for this deployment. In no way did I mean that I did not want him to stay focused. I am aware that is it a very stressful time for him (I'm sure even that is an understatement). I understand where you are coming from; this is his coping mechanism. He does text and call, it has become few and far and we don't get to talk for more than a minute or two because I'm sure he is busy.

Sarahcuda mentioned going through deployment as a team. I am all for supporting, loving, and finding the patience for him. However, I am totally at a loss that I am having difficulty communicating with DB because he doesn't want to hear that I am having a stressful time as well. When we discussed it, the only solution was that I would have to have faith and be patient. So I guess it is all I can do.

I understand that feeling emotionally upset is something I have to deal with on my own because DB is not in the mindset nor the position to support me at this time. While I understand DB will not be able to communicate often while he is deployed, and part of me feels that this is all my time left with him.

I don't want to add more stress to DB's situation so I have stopped talking about my concern. I am just having a rough time coping.

[Sarahcuda]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 MS234755, I do want him to focus on his goals and I do want him to focus on his responsibilities for this deployment. In no way did I mean that I did not want him to stay focused. I am aware that is it a very stressful time for him (I'm sure even that is an understatement). I understand where you are coming from; this is his coping mechanism. He does text and call, it has become few and far and we don't get to talk for more than a minute or two because I'm sure he is busy. Sarahcuda mentioned going through deployment as a team. I am all for supporting, loving, and finding the patience for him. However, I am totally at a loss that I am having difficulty communicating with DB because he doesn't want to hear that I am having a stressful time as well. When we discussed it, the only solution was that I would have to have faith and be patient. So I guess it is all I can do. I understand that feeling emotionally upset is something I have to deal with on my own because DB is not in the mindset nor the position to support me at this time. While I understand DB will not be able to communicate often while he is deployed, and part of me feels that this is all my time left with him. I don't want to add more stress to DB's situation so I have stopped talking about my concern. I am just having a rough time coping.

The bolded is a poor decision on his part, but I think that's part of the first deployment adjustment. He should try to be there for you as much as he can, even though it's limited right now. I'm sorry you're going through this pain mostly by yourself, deployments just plain suck.

Do you have any SOs where you live that you can talk to, or who can relate to you? We are definitely here for you on here, but it might help more to have someone you can get through the deployment with in person.

[JCH0724]

Today was the last day that I brought up my side of this situation to DB. He didn't have any response to me communicating that I needed him too, other than, "I know, I'm sorry, and I don't want to be unfair to you." I know that is not his usual self because any other time (without a stressor as big as deployment in front of us) he would have told me that he loves me and is there for me. I guess that this is my time to be there for him and I will be.

I don't think he can be there for me (at least not right now) because he seems to have enough on his hands trying to cope on his own. He doesn't seem to want to talk about anything 'emotionally charged' and understandably so, but is also still talking to me on a lighter note. I know this is a difficult time for him so I will also give him his space. I am not walking away from him; I promised that to him before he started withdrawing. He also told me how much he cared about me and that I have a special place in his heart (before he started withdrawing). I just miss my DB being his usual loving and caring self but I understand this is what he needs to do.

I'm not sure if I have any SO's in my area. How would I go about finding that out? At this time, I have only two close friends that I talk to in person about what I'm going through.

[bethad6]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 I've been on this site for a few months now. Posting, reading, looking for answers. More often than not, I have asked for advice. This will be our first deployment. This predeployment has been beyond stressful. Even though I've personally grown a lot from it, I have also stressed a lot because of it. In the 6 months J and I have been together, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but before then, we'd have to get through a deployment. I haven't experienced any detachment on his behalf until recently. In the past few days, all I receive are texts from him, sometimes a short phone call. He is extremely busy, but I feel immensely alone with my feelings. I know that he loves me because he will still quickly call and tell me or send me a text. I feel like I am expected not just to support him but also to remain loving and patient while he builds up his walls, hardens his heart, and focuses on his goal to get his job done and come back to me. I can't remain all lovey dovey without much reciprocation. How do I do that? I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride and honestly, my emotions are starting to shut down. That scares me. I love DB but he is not gone yet and little to no communication with him at this time really sucks. Emotionally, how do I get through this deployment? Now I have to be strong and have faith that DB will make it home safely and still love me. How do I go on when DB has shut himself down and hardly talks to me? What gives? I'm not even angry, but I am close to tears. How do I get through this? How does a relationship last during such a stressful moment? If we can't get through this, it says it all. I wish we were already over this deployment...or that I at least felt better about it. I know there are bad times as well as good times in a relationship, but I don't know how to go about this. I am trying to learn and understand because walking around with my head in the clouds, think everything will be dandy, is just not going to work.

Sorry to say, but yes that pretty much sums it up. It's a military relationship. Unfortunately, we can't come fist. So sorry you're having a hard time. If he is the one for you then at the end it'll all be worth it Hang in there!

[fcn0015]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 I've been on this site for a few months now. Posting, reading, looking for answers. More often than not, I have asked for advice. This will be our first deployment. This predeployment has been beyond stressful. Even though I've personally grown a lot from it, I have also stressed a lot because of it. In the 6 months J and I have been together, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but before then, we'd have to get through a deployment. I haven't experienced any detachment on his behalf until recently. In the past few days, all I receive are texts from him, sometimes a short phone call. He is extremely busy, but I feel immensely alone with my feelings. I know that he loves me because he will still quickly call and tell me or send me a text. I feel like I am expected not just to support him but also to remain loving and patient while he builds up his walls, hardens his heart, and focuses on his goal to get his job done and come back to me. I can't remain all lovey dovey without much reciprocation. How do I do that? I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride and honestly, my emotions are starting to shut down. That scares me. I love DB but he is not gone yet and little to no communication with him at this time really sucks. Emotionally, how do I get through this deployment? Now I have to be strong and have faith that DB will make it home safely and still love me. How do I go on when DB has shut himself down and hardly talks to me? What gives? I'm not even angry, but I am close to tears. How do I get through this? How does a relationship last during such a stressful moment? If we can't get through this, it says it all. I wish we were already over this deployment...or that I at least felt better about it. I know there are bad times as well as good times in a relationship, but I don't know how to go about this. I am trying to learn and understand because walking around with my head in the clouds, think everything will be dandy, is just not going to work.

Hang in there, it's hard on anyone. Any military spouse who tells you that you're just supposed to deal with it, because it's part of their job, is lying to you because it is not that easy for ANYONE. Daily panic attacks, anger towards the military, etc are all normal emotions. I mean you have to do what you can to not let your stress spill over to your SO so much that is elevates his stress level a ton as well (though this is unavoidable - he KNOWS this deployment is hard for you and stressing you out and so he will be stressed out over that too, and then you'll be stressed becuase you know you're stressing him out, and it goes round and round...hah). For this reason it's very important to build up a network of friends who are also going through the same thing - friends who you can vent to, not just those people who are gonna be like, "well, gotta just get strong and man up, it's just part of the military." At some point you'll realize hey, no matter what I do, he's STILL going, so let me stay positive so that I don't ruin the time we have together. Give yourself pep talks, but try not to let yourself be alone too much, and when you are with your SO, avoid questions and conversations that have the potential to spark anger or frustration in either of you because trust me, there are a lot of frustrating things and there's nothing you can do about them, so the less you talk about them and worry about them the better.

[MS234755]

Originally Posted by JCH0724 MS234755, I do want him to focus on his goals and I do want him to focus on his responsibilities for this deployment. In no way did I mean that I did not want him to stay focused. I am aware that is it a very stressful time for him (I'm sure even that is an understatement). I understand where you are coming from; this is his coping mechanism. He does text and call, it has become few and far and we don't get to talk for more than a minute or two because I'm sure he is busy.

Then I apologize, I was mis-reading the last part of your sentence there. We're preparing for another deployment as well, so I'm a little scatterbrained. I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. I was worried I'd been harsh, even though that was not my intention.

I wasn't lying though. That's part of being in a military relationship. As much as they love you, they will not always be as geographically or emotionally available as they would be in a non-military relationship. And when that's the case, you have to draw on your own strength to be as supportive of them as possible, while emotionally and physically sustaining yourself on your own. If that's something you can't or don't want to do, you should let him know as soon as possible. I'm not saying that to be insulting- not everyone is comfortable with such an arrangement. Some people prefer a relationship where they can consistently call on their partner for support. There's nothing wrong with that, it entirely depends on the kind of relationship you're looking for.

I hope that helps a little.

[fcn0015]

Originally Posted by MS234755 Then I apologize, I was mis-reading the last part of your sentence there. We're preparing for another deployment as well, so I'm a little scatterbrained. I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. I was worried I'd been harsh, even though that was not my intention. I wasn't lying though. That's part of being in a military relationship. As much as they love you, they will not always be as geographically or emotionally available as they would be in a non-military relationship. And when that's the case, you have to draw on your own strength to be as supportive of them as possible, while emotionally and physically sustaining yourself on your own. If that's something you can't or don't want to do, you should let him know as soon as possible. I'm not saying that to be insulting- not everyone is comfortable with such an arrangement. Some people prefer a relationship where they can consistently call on their partner for support. There's nothing wrong with that, it entirely depends on the kind of relationship you're looking for. I hope that helps a little.

I kind of agree but at the same time disagree (does that make sense? lol!). I think, for a lot of people, this is a learned thing rather than something inherant. For me, I fell in love with the man, not the military itself. I knew I wanted to marry my husband and would do anything it took to make the marriage work. I knew he would likely deploy at some point, and I took that into account, but I also knew we would work through it when the time came. But during our entire year 9 months of dating up to engagement, we'd never really been apart (aside from the times when I went back to the east coast for 1-2 weeks at a time in the summer and over Christmas to see my family, or the times when he went to the field - this was never longer than 5 days at a time though, because at Ft Riley the CG has a rule where, unless they get a special exception, there is no training on the weekends). I got used to the stability, the fact that for the most part I would see him every evening when he got home from work, had weekends with him unless he had some sort of emergency at work or Duty Officer or something like that, etc. Now that we're getting ready for this deployment, things have been REALLY tough. After the initial shock of the news, I have been mostly ok with this. It's good for us, it's good for his career, I'm making plans that I wouldn't otherwise be able to do with him (trips with some of my girl friends, that sort of thing), and I'm sort of excited about it. But other days I think about how I'm going to miss the stability we've had so much. I'm going to miss feeling his body against mine as we sleep at night, keeping me warm (I'm the type of person who has to have a big comforter on top of me even in the summer because I get cold when I sleep), going to miss his affections. He left for NTC just recently and it's just been a wakeup call. I got so used to him being so affectionate towards me, constantly making me feel loved, that now that I suddenly don't have that all the time, I am realizing how much I loved that, how much it made me feel safe and comfortable. And sometimes I just sit and cry and wish that we had a normal relationship. I joke that I want my cake and I want to eat it too...meaning, I like the Army life, I like that we're taken care of - pay is good, healthcare isn't bad (at least we've got it, right), tax free shopping, cheaper prices at the commissary (at least here), etc....but I don't want to deal with the separations. This deployment is a big wakeup call like hey, guess what - one of the biggest reasons why the Army DOES allow spouses to take advantage of that stuff, and why there are other resources geared towads spouses, is BECAUSE the military takes them away from us for extended periods of times, sometimes to go to dangerous situations. Sigh.

But yeah. All of this stuff is making me stronger, and I think I'm LEARNING to accept the fact that there will be periods of instability, periods where we will be apart. But the biggest thing that's making me accept htis is the fact that, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much I want to fight it, no matter how much anger I have towards the military for taking him away from me - he's STILL GOING. So I may as well calm down and enjoy the ride, eh?