Expect the worse?

[Sweetest*Agony]

I got the chance to talk to someone tonight about what expect when DB deploys. He has been over there 4 times and told me to expect the worse so that I won't be disapointed.

Said that if I expect the worse then I won't be expecting much and that it will make it easier on me during it all. He said it will also help him. He made it clear that he wasn't talking death but more on an emotional and personal level.

It has left me feeling heavy, shaking and sad. My hands are shaking as I write this because what he said just felt like a stab. I know he didn't mean it like that and someone close to me asked him to discuss this with me but still.....

I don't want to expect the worse but what if he is right. What if expecting the worse is the best thing to do so that I won't get badly hurt but will still allow me to be there for DB.

Confused as all about what was told to me tonight.

[flowerchild]

The "expect the worst" method works for some people, but not everyone. Everyone deals with these situations differently. You don't have to expect the worst. Personally, I try and plan for the most plausible, what is most likely going to happen. KWIM?

[Purpur]

Does he normally act like that? Some people just always expect the worse possible thing when they have the opportunity. And to them, its the best way to act.
(example, one of my friends had a funky pap smear and her doctor wanted to repeat it ASAP, she automatically jumped from HPV to cancer and was POSITIVE that she had cancer....no matter what I said to her, she was positive she was going to die from cervical cancer.....her repeat came back clear and the doctor thinks it's because she had just finished her period....)
I try to keep in mind that I might not hear from DH for a while, so when I do hear from him, I'm excited. I tell myself its a 15 month deployment, so if it gets shortened down to 12, I'll be REALLY excited.
Hes just trying to stop you from getting hurt if he can't talk to you often, write to you ever, etc.

[AGibson]

Did he give you any examples on what "the worst" means or was it just a blanket statement??

[Sweetest*Agony]

Originally Posted by flowerchild The "expect the worse" method works for some people, but not everyone. Everyone deals with these situations differently. You don't have to expect the worst. Personally, I try and plan for the most plausible, what is most likely going to happen. KWIM?

Ya I understand and usually thats what I do when facing something head on. I think about what could happen and then make up different ways in my head with dealing with it.

It is just this guy has delt with it, has gone threw what DB will be going threw (at least I am thinking) and knows what DB could be feeling while over there so to me it seems logical to take his words.

I know everyone is different but if 10 people are thrown into the same situation more then likely majority of them will behave the same way.

Half of me is glad I talked to him but then half of me is like "stupid stupid stupid" for talking to him

[Sweetest*Agony]

Originally Posted by lovesbelugas Does he normally act like that? Some people just always expect the worse possible thing when they have the opportunity. And to them, its the best way to act. (example, one of my friends had a funky pap smear and her doctor wanted to repeat it ASAP, she automatically jumped from HPV to cancer and was POSITIVE that she had cancer....no matter what I said to her, she was positive she was going to die from cervical cancer.....her repeat came back clear and the doctor thinks it's because she had just finished her period....) I try to keep in mind that I might not hear from DH for a while, so when I do hear from him, I'm excited. I tell myself its a 15 month deployment, so if it gets shortened down to 12, I'll be REALLY excited. Hes just trying to stop you from getting hurt if he can't talk to you often, write to you ever, etc.

Oh wow that is some scare

That is what he wants me to be like I think.

He doesn't want me to look forward to things that might or might not happen. The guy I talked to he is usually looking for the good side of things, never have I seen him ever look at the negative aspects of things. So that is why I am very confused with myself right now as to what to expect and how to react when it happens... KWIM?

Originally Posted by AGibson Did he give you any examples on what "the worst" means or was it just a blanket statement?? Did he mention what his "realistic" goals or expectations were for the both of your during the time he is deployed?

He gave me few but I think it was more of a generalized thing. He told me to not expect much in regards to being able to talk to DB threw phone and/or letters. Told me to not expect much from him emotionally while he is deployed also. It was random things thrown about really.

Realistic goals from his view point were hearing from DB once a month if that, getting minimal letters and knowing very little about his saftey. Of course I am hoping that isn't the case but who is to know and he doesn't want me to expect that and not recieve it and then get depressed and sad because I expected it. (I don't know if that made sense - sorry)

[AGibson]

My experience has been that each relationship is completely different and everyone acts differently. Will your guy be completely the same while he is over there, probably not in some ways. For me personally, mine became much more focused and less "lovey"...very much to the point during emails and phone conversations. He called when he could and I knew that. I believe one thing your friend may be warning you about regarding your "expectations" is comparing your relationship to others deployed with your BF. That was a mistake I made. Many of the other wives/gf's talked more, got more letters/gifts so i started to expect that from him. NOT A GOOD IDEA Just be completely supportative and there for him. Always be happy to hear from him, even if it is just a 2 sentence email. It will be hard and full of ups/down, but it will all be worth it when you finally get that hug/kiss again at homecoming. PM me if you have ANY questions!!

[laurenpaige]

My DB told me through the last deployment and this one to "expect the worst, but hope for the best." I hate it, but it actually does work for me at times. If I don't, then I find myself getting pissed at him for not calling when I really need him, not writing, falling asleep when he's promised to call me at a certain time, etc. And that is just completely ridiculous. So I do expect the worst, but pray for the best. Hopefully you'll find something that works for you!!

[armygf08]

Hun......try not to expect the worse.....I did that and all it did was make me sad, depressed, and HONESTLY I felt crazy. I was emailing DB everyday, with no response I thought I effed everything up. He just wrote back saying I didnt do anything and I worry too much and that he was busy. I wouldnt expect the worse, cause it might make you worse. DB has a myspace and I checked it everyday to make sure he signed in....that was how I knew he was ok, now I check it every few days. I still write him everyday, I see that he reads them. He tells me sometimes he just reads the emails before he goes to bed. I kinda like that cause I know hes thinking of me before he goes to sleep But there are going to be times where you may not hear from him in a week, but find comfort in the little things like seeing if has read messages (if he has a myspace), or signed in. But just remember to be supportive, cause he needs you and your love too. And besides when you feel stressed or worried, you've got all of us here too. Get a contact like a buddy from his platoon so if anything does happen you have a second contact person....like I know DB's best friend in his platoon so if I really feel as if there is something wrong I can email him. If you need ANYTHING...feel free to PM me anytime. I wish you luck, Im here for you if you need me.

[goldilockz]

Expect the worst, hope for the best.