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Thread: Kids and marriage/divorce

  1. Team Rocket
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    #1

    Kids and marriage/divorce

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    So I put this in debates just to be safe.

    Here is the background that spurs my question: My sister, who is mid-30's is doing online dating. Lately, she's found a very large number of men in her age category who are recently divorced with small children (age 3 or less). We were discussing this phenomenon and wondering about how many of those men wouldn't be divorced if they had waited until the kids were a bit older (and therefor less of a stress on the marriage? Maybe?). So my questions is:

    Does having kids bring out incompatibilities that were already in the relationship and just force the adults to deal with it??

    Or does having very young kids create a temporary situation of stress that people respond to by divorcing when maybe if they'd just hung on a couple more years everything would be okay?

    Or both?

    What do you think? What has your experience been?
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  2. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #2
    it really depends on how long the marriages lasted before divorce happened.

    In my experience, when there are kids involved, most of the time the marriage was gone long before the kids came.. and kids were had in hopes of saving an already failed marriage.

    Or, the relationship wasn't strong enough. Such as the couple got married too quickly (too quickly for their relationship) ,etc.

    I don't think the age of the kids matter because kids are stressful from birth to adulthood. And I don't think a difference in morals or how to raise would be enough to cause a marriage to fail.

    IMO, it would have to be some sort of illness/disability that a child has to cause a beyond repairable stressful situation. Because those children have more added stress on top of stress already there from having kids.

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    #3
    If your sister is in her mid-30s what age of men is she looking for? Is it, say, 33-37? Because if that's the case, no. You're either an adult or not by that time. I think some are not ready for children in their 20s, but IMO, by your mid-30s if children cause so much stress on a marriage that divorce is the only option then other things were going on in that marriage.

    But yeah, kids definitely change a marriage. It's realllllly easy to start resenting your SO when you're up at 12, 2, and 4 feeding a baby and they're sleeping, ya know?
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    #4
    I actually think that kids can extend bad marriages and make them last longer. People have a kid and it allows them to temporarily have something else to focus on, and it allows you to ignore your bad relationship for a bit longer, because everything is so focused on the infant and just getting through that.
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    #5
    My experience was the exDH couldn't keep it in his pants with other ladies. Not sure if that had to do with us having kids or he was just an unfaithful douchebag.

    Kids can change a marriage, or it can just enhance what you already have. I'm a firm believer of not having children until you have a solid marriage. We had a great marriage until towards the end (obviously). Kids were never a big stresser for us.

    I know a lot of people whose marriages change drastically after having children. I think that could be because some people didn't talk about expectations before marriage and before children.
  6. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #6
    I think it can be both. As a generalization (bad I know), I would think the younger people are the more they might not be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel if it's a temporary stress that will get better, so may be more prone to calling it quits. I just know from my own experience, in my late teens/early twenties, six months, a year, four years, were FOREVER. I knew they'd end and be over logically, but practically I couldn't get through a day to day with something (like for me, college) that was going to take four years of day to day. So if it had been a kid/marriage, I have no idea if I'd have been able to see that it was worth sticking it out. Also one of my personal goals with my marriage is to make DH's life enhanced. Easier, better, more fantastic. And he does the same for mine. If because we had temporary stress (in this example: kid) and he was making my life absolutely miserable, more difficult and less fun, I would be much more inclined to want to cut my losses.

    Also it took DH a good solid four years of being serious (three years married) before I felt we both really knew each other and the relationship well enough to add in crazy things to the dynamic. And we're still not perfect. So I would say it might be bringing out incompatibilities that they hadn't been faced with in other ways before the kid, and having those brought to light with a kid probably makes it a lot more emotional. (What I mean by that is if your SO doesn't mind drinking out of the same cup for three days straight, and you think it's gross, but you let them do it because they're an adult and it doesn't effect you. If they then try to use that logic on your babies bottle, you might be highly emotional and feel they're putting the baby at risk causing a fight).
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    So I put this in debates just to be safe.

    Here is the background that spurs my question: My sister, who is mid-30's is doing online dating. Lately, she's found a very large number of men in her age category who are recently divorced with small children (age 3 or less). We were discussing this phenomenon and wondering about how many of those men wouldn't be divorced if they had waited until the kids were a bit older (and therefor less of a stress on the marriage? Maybe?). So my questions is:

    Does having kids bring out incompatibilities that were already in the relationship and just force the adults to deal with it??

    Or does having very young kids create a temporary situation of stress that people respond to by divorcing when maybe if they'd just hung on a couple more years everything would be okay?

    Or both?


    What do you think? What has your experience been?
    I have no personal experience divorce, but yeah I think kids can bring out the incompatibilities especially if you don't discuss child rearing before marriage and having kids. I don't think having kids really brings out any other type of incompatibilities in adults though.

    I also think that in a lot of cases, people are not seeing divorce as the big "GASP!! Its is a NO NO!!!" anymore and don't feel the need to stay married if the marriage is falling apart just because there are kids. And actually get divorced because there are kids.
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    #8
    College will teach you marriage rates are worse when children are involved. I know because my husband keeps reminding me of the percentages.

    I think it's more the stress of raising children in general. I think so many people have them not realizing what they are getting into. They have them just because that is the 'next step'. I don't like to think incompatibilities are a factor necessarily. The 'right' couple is still going to struggle with the challenges of raising children. It is when a couple knows how to argue appropriately and communicate effectively that they can get through it together successfully.
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    #9
    I don't think sticking a relationship out for the kids is ever a good idea, if that's what you're asking. Yeah, I think stressful situations (like big life changes, like, idk, having kids) can bring out incompatibilities that were already there or causes those incompatibilities to develop.
  10. Dancing Backwards in High Heels
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    #10
    In my non-experience, but what I have observed, by your sister's age young children have a tendency to be "bandage babies" ie lets have a kid to try to save the marriage/keep partner around. But that's just my big fat ole opinion.
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