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Thread: The "I'm not allowed to... " Statement

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    #1

    The "I'm not allowed to... " Statement

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    (I put this in debates because I am not sure how this thread will go... it can go either way really.)


    My question is... how do you feel about the statement "I'm not allowed to do X" that (usually) women state. It is most often a statement said relating to what their spouse or significant other will not allow them to do.

    Such as "I am not allowed to go out tonight", or "I am not allowed to go shopping", or "I am not allowed to buy that", or "I am not allowed to see that movie"... really anything can be added on to the "I am not allowed to..."

    Do you feel this is a controlling type behavior on the part of the SO?
    Do you feel this a flaw/fault of the woman, showing signs of dependence (upon her man)?
    Do you think/feel this is a learned behavior?

    What are your thoughts in general about it?

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    #2
    Depends on the circumstances. For example, I am "not allowed" to book a flight for The Residence on Etihad Airlines. I have enough in the bank to do so but according to the husband, I am not allowed. Is it a big deal? Nope.

    If he is telling me that I'm not allowed to purchase a $1 Sprite when I am thirsty and there are no other options and we can afford the dollar? Then he's an ass.
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    #3


    But in all seriousness...no one should tell you what you are "allowed" to do, even if they're your SO. I would like to think that a couple would agree on limits and boundaries for things like spending/activities/etc anyway to prevent the "not allowed" statements.
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    #4
    I sometimes use the "Nope the wife won't let me...X" as a way of rejecting something I don't want to do, while taking the heat of me. Heavy handed sales people, for example. Because a simple "No" usually does not suffice to get them to stop asking or trying to sell it to me.
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    I think it is BS. If your excuse for not doing things is that your spouse won't allow you to then there are serious issues. A marriage is a partnership and it is about teamwork and respect...not placing restrictions on each other and forbidding one another from doing things like they are a child who needs boundaries.
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    #6
    *Disclaimer* This is all just IMO. Not downing anyone or placing judgment. Just not something *I* would accept from my DH.

    I do think "allowing" or "not allowing" something is controlling behavior.
    I do not think women should stand for this sort of behavior. Being dependent is ok. (I'll explain more in my general section.)
    I think it could be a learned behavior. Especially if their mother was that way. But not always.

    As a husband and wife, there should be no controlling. And I feel this is a very controlling statement. If my husband were to tell me he didnt like me doing something (and TALKED to me about it and explained his thoughts on it), I have enough respect for him to not do whatever it is. Its not that he isnt "allowing" me. I chose not to out of respect for him. If he told me he didn't "allow" me to do something, I would probably do it just because he said that. I am not a thing for him to control. I am his wife and he needs to respect me as a human who can make her own choices. I am dependent on my husband for a ton of things. Its not that I can't do things on my own, but we are a team. We should tackle life together. Showing dependence isnt a flaw or a bad thing. Not having enough respect for yourself by letting someone control you is.
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    #7
    allowing, I dont like this word. Im an adult I should not ask if Im allowed and my spouse should not tell me no I am not allowed.. This word is controlling for..

    Instead we should talk if its ok, what is your opinion. find a solution where we both are happy..
    I applied for a night job, I went for the interview and I got the job.. DH told me that he is not happy with the night job but in the end it is my decision if I want to start or not.
    We as a couple should talk what we would like how we feel about but we also should support each other even if the other side doesnt like it.
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    #8
    I don't think I've ever heard someone being completely serious say their spouse wouldn't allow them to do something. Not saying it doesn't happen, but if I heard someone say that and they weren't joking or using it to get out of something then I would think major red flags.

    I feel like its normal to hear people say whether they are or aren't allowed to do something based on parents (when you're younger), health restrictions, diet restrictions, job restrictions, etc, but I would be very taken aback if someone told me there weren't allowed to do something because their spouse told them so.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Katarina View Post
    *Disclaimer* This is all just IMO. Not downing anyone or placing judgment. Just not something *I* would accept from my DH.

    I do think "allowing" or "not allowing" something is controlling behavior.
    I do not think women should stand for this sort of behavior. Being dependent is ok. (I'll explain more in my general section.)
    I think it could be a learned behavior. Especially if their mother was that way. But not always.

    As a husband and wife, there should be no controlling. And I feel this is a very controlling statement. If my husband were to tell me he didnt like me doing something (and TALKED to me about it and explained his thoughts on it), I have enough respect for him to not do whatever it is. Its not that he isnt "allowing" me. I chose not to out of respect for him. If he told me he didn't "allow" me to do something, I would probably do it just because he said that. I am not a thing for him to control. I am his wife and he needs to respect me as a human who can make her own choices. I am dependent on my husband for a ton of things. Its not that I can't do things on my own, but we are a team. We should tackle life together. Showing dependence isnt a flaw or a bad thing. Not having enough respect for yourself by letting someone control you is.
    You have said pretty much what I would.

    I agree with almost everything everyone has said, but yours is more in tune.

    I have known (and do still know) too many woman that use this very statement. It tosses a red flag every time I hear it, it hurts me.. I hurt for them. I have confronted them, and it was nothing but excuses. To me, that's a one-sided relationship that is being controlled. if you have to stumble and bumble through me asking and come up with excuses.. then something ain't right.

    A marriage is a partnership it isn't a he says or she says. I am all for conversing about it, stating feelings as to why or why not something should or shouldn't be done, etc.. and then making a decision based on mutual respect and information. I don't think anyone should say 'you are not allowed'...

    I do understand there are times where its done jokingly, or to get out of something (like Guynavywife said.. to get out of a salesperson or telemarketer, etc).. but for times where it is clearly not either of those cases its a problem. Its controlling, manipulative, jerkish and just plain not right.

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    #10
    I use it jokingly with DH sometimes and he has used in the way Asher mentioned a few times but I think that if someone uses it seriously, it might be an indication that the relationship is controlling and/or emotionally abusive. I don't know that I've ever heard someone say it seriously though...
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