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Thread: When is decision perceived good or bad?

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    When is decision perceived good or bad?

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    sorry, I really struggled with trying to come up with an adequate title to this thread, and I think I sucked at it But this question I want to put forth in debates is one that was kind of sparked by watching Titanic And then life stories that happen to people everyday. K sooooo we all know in Titanic that Rose is engaged to whats his face, and he's all wrong for her or whatever. And she falls in love with Jack blah blah blah. So most people would have the feeling of "good for her for realizing that the asshole wasn't right for her" or something to that effect. That it was pretty much a positive thing that she was finding happiness with Jack despite having made the mistake of being betrothed to the asshole that I can't remember his name.

    So... things like this happen in real life. Yes, cheating, but generally if one cheats while married it is considered negative regardless. "breaking your vows." But we also hear of people being "left at the altar" and their engagements being called off. Sometimes it is because someone cheated, and sometimes it is because one person just realized that they didn't want "this" but they never cheated. Normally, we think of the person who breaks off the engagement 2 months before the wedding as an asshole. But then you could also maybe think of it, like in Titanic () as being "good for them for realizing it before they got married." Or what is it that people say? Something like, better to find out know then 10 years in or something?

    So, is someone who breaks off an engagement a hero (whatever word you want to use) because they realized what they wanted before going through with the wedding, or are they an asshole because they broke someone's heart that they proposed to/accepted proposal? Do factors like if they cheated, if the other spouse is abusive to them etc, or everything was perfect yet they still broke it off change your answer? I'm honestly a little torn on this one I can see it both ways.
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    I don't think they are a hero or a villian. I think they're just a human, doing what the rest of us humans do--wading through this crazy bog of life, doing the best they can.

    If they cheat, then I think it's a negative choice. Handle that business and the commitments you've made before moving on. And if they call it off in some cruel or thoughtless way, then that's also asshole-y. But just calling off a wedding because you realize it isn't right for you? I'd say that's a morally neutral decision.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I don't think they are a hero or a villian. I think they're just a human, doing what the rest of us humans do--wading through this crazy bog of life, doing the best they can.

    If they cheat, then I think it's a negative choice. Handle that business and the commitments you've made before moving on. And if they call it off in some cruel or thoughtless way, then that's also asshole-y. But just calling off a wedding because you realize it isn't right for you? I'd say that's a morally neutral decision.
    hmmmmm, yes. I also thought of another factor, male vs female. In movies and in real life if the male breaks of the engagement it's usually seen as negative and "the wedding is paid for, everything was set, jerk!" But if the woman breaks it off it's usually seen as positive and heroic the whole "don't you worry about what was paid for or that the invitations were sent, until you say I do it isn't a done deal. Follow your heart" speech. So interesting.
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    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    hmmmmm, yes. I also thought of another factor, male vs female. In movies and in real life if the male breaks of the engagement it's usually seen as negative and "the wedding is paid for, everything was set, jerk!" But if the woman breaks it off it's usually seen as positive and heroic the whole "don't you worry about what was paid for or that the invitations were sent, until you say I do it isn't a done deal. Follow your heart" speech. So interesting.
    I think this is almost entirely because Romantic movies are targeted toward female audiences!
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    yeah, that's very true! But I see it carry over into real life as well... I wonder if that influenced the movies, or if the movies influenced society... I can only think of one example in my direct life, but it wasn't technically a broken off engagement. My friend was engaged for over 3 long years and there were quite a few times where they would have a bad fight and the ring/engagement would kind of become the pawn... she'd call me crying about a fight and would say she didn't feel like wearing her ring for a few days. And my general thought was "yeah, you make sure you want this!" and then there were other times where she'd call me crying and while her then fiancé wouldn't ask for the ring back, he'd say "maybe giving you that ring was a mistake" and I'd of course say "what an asshole!" For either scenario it could have been seen as a vicious punishment to the other, or a wise decision about something. And yet I tied the vicious punishment to the guy, and the wise decision to the girl. Weird. But, they ended up getting married and procreating eventually anyway
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    I'm not sure what you're asking, but I have a story for ya:

    One of my good friends was engaged for the longest time to her high school sweetheart. One day she had told me that she wasn't happy and had cheated on her fiance. Still, he had forgiven her and they were going to go ahead with the wedding. Ended up, I talked her out of getting married to him because she wasn't happy. And her reasoning for wanting to continue with the marriage? "Everything is already paid for." That isn't a reason to get married in my book. They called off the engagement and a year or so later she met her now husband.

    So, in my friend's case there was a bad decision of cheating, and there would have been a bad decision of marrying just because the wedding and everything else was paid for. My friend thanks me often for talking her out of getting married to her high school sweetheart.
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I don't think they are a hero or a villian. I think they're just a human, doing what the rest of us humans do--wading through this crazy bog of life, doing the best they can.

    If they cheat, then I think it's a negative choice. Handle that business and the commitments you've made before moving on. And if they call it off in some cruel or thoughtless way, then that's also asshole-y. But just calling off a wedding because you realize it isn't right for you? I'd say that's a morally neutral decision.

    - this about sums it up.
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    hmmmm, I'm trying to think of a less complicated way to ask it... if someone asks for a divorce out of the blue because they don't want to married anymore or some sort of vague excuse, that usually warrants a response from most people "wtf, how can you leave your family?!" but if someone out of the blue breaks off an engagement with a similar vague excuse of "they realized they didn't want this" it can be seen as "oh my word, you're so strong and brave to realize this before you got married, good for you" or be viewed the same as someone who wants a divorce. In short, which way do you feel about people who break off engagements with only the reason of not wanting it anymore? A positive, brave decision or a dick move.
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    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    hmmmm, I'm trying to think of a less complicated way to ask it... if someone asks for a divorce out of the blue because they don't want to married anymore or some sort of vague excuse, that usually warrants a response from most people "wtf, how can you leave your family?!" but if someone out of the blue breaks off an engagement with a similar vague excuse of "they realized they didn't want this" it can be seen as "oh my word, you're so strong and brave to realize this before you got married, good for you" or be viewed the same as someone who wants a divorce. In short, which way do you feel about people who break off engagements with only the reason of not wanting it anymore? A positive, brave decision or a dick move.
    For me, I view it as them just realizing what he/she what's true to themselves. (Not sure if that's the phrase I'm looking for.) IMO, it is better to realize you don't want to be with a person before you get married rather than later in the marriage. Why do I think that? No set reason, that's just me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I don't think they are a hero or a villian. I think they're just a human, doing what the rest of us humans do--wading through this crazy bog of life, doing the best they can.

    If they cheat, then I think it's a negative choice. Handle that business and the commitments you've made before moving on. And if they call it off in some cruel or thoughtless way, then that's also asshole-y. But just calling off a wedding because you realize it isn't right for you? I'd say that's a morally neutral decision.
    I completely agree

    I had a good friend who was engaged and 5 days before her bridal shower she broke off the engagement. It was about 2 or 3 months before the wedding and pretty much everything had been paid for. But she and her fiancé were not happy and she realized that the only reason they were still together was because neither of them wanted to be the one to call it all off.

    I don't think she was a villain or a hero. She was just a person trying to find happiness.
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