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Thread: College and responsibility...for parents?

  1. I Will Rise Above
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    #1

    College and responsibility...for parents?

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    This may or may not end up a debate so I figured in case I would toss it here.

    Okay, so here's a scenario. You have two girls one is 18 one is 19 and they both still live at home and attend college. They both work and have boyfriends. They are allowed to pretty much come and go as they please and have little real family connection. Both mom and dad own their own business' and are very successful. They are not strapped for money and do pay for the girls' school, cars, etc. The younger of the two girls is less than serious about both school and herself and is in danger of failing two college courses.

    Her mother then posts on FB asking if anyone could tutor Econ/math and logic. I spoke with her about it and she makes the comment, "I have to get the girl to pass her college classes. Ugh stressful"
    I told her that while I am no good Math I can tutor logic and reminded her that she doesn't have to get her daughter to pass the classes her daughter needs to step up. (Oh and btw her quarter ends 12/1)

    I personally don't feel like it is her mother's responsibility to look and ask and find a tutor for her daughter nor her responsibility to save her from failing. I feel Like if the girl doesn't care or try she needs to learn to handle the consequences of her actions.

    If she were my kid I would have told her before she started school that of she fails a class she pays for it and to retake it herself. She has the means and ability to obtain a free tutor anytime for any class but chose not to, school is not an important factor to her and to me that means a conversation and solutions, not continuing to pay for something she doesn't care about and babying her through it, that IMO won't teach her anything. As someone who has worked her ass off in school and paidfor it I am finding the situation actually quite frustrating and sad. Am I alone in this?

    What point to you feel a parents responsibility for their child actually becomes their child's responsibility? What would you do? Is this sort of enabling doing more harm than good in regards to how people function in society?
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    personally i think its nice that the mother wants to try to help in finding a tutor for her daughter however she shouldnt be stressing herself out over it if her daughter isnt.

    the beginning of this (up until the not caring about school) couldve been written about my life haha but there were classes i had a hard time with, math and stats being the worst, and i wouldve loved it if my parents had been able to help me understand it more. as for paying for it herself i think that depends on the daughter, if she is truly trying and still doesnt pass the class idk shit happens...were all bad at something, but once it becomes normal or a pattern then i totally agree.
  3. verabot89
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    #3
    If the mom wants to take that responsibility on, she can. Personally I wouldn't want my college kids to be at home, I'd want them to go away to college to gain that independence from me, and learn to figure it out on their own.
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  4. Mombie.
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    #4
    I think it comes down to why is she in school right now? Is it because she wants to be or has to be? When I graduated high school, I didn't want to go to college right away. I wanted to work and figure things out but my parent's said I had to take a full class load to stay on their health insurance. I screwed around for years because I didn't want to be there, and now I'm paying for that.

    If she doesn't want to be in school, they need to figure something else out. I do agree though, Chaleigh, if you fail because you were messing around, you're going to pay for it. As for the parental responsibility, I think they need to keep on their kid but looking for tutors? No. That's not their job, it's hers.



  5. cuz i'm wonderful
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    #5
    I think eighteen and nineteen year olds still need a certain level of guidance. Sure, you've loosened the reins but you're still steering with your knees. My mom treats me like a responsible adult, but she still checks in with me and pushes me when it comes to school. There could have been conversations between her and her daughter with her daughter saying she's overwhelmed, she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't understand, and her mom is helping her out. I think it's okay to be stressed when your kid is stressed, and to pitch in.

    That said, if her daughter is just not into school and is doing it just because that's "what you do," she shouldn't be in school. You have to be committed, and you have to know what you want. It won't work if you are just aimlessly getting an education without really knowing why. And seriously, nothing will make you wanna go to school more than working a shitty minimum wage job. When it comes to actual motivation, it's on the kid. Parents can't force that. It really depends on what is happening behind the scenes.
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #6
    I think it's weird that the mom is getting involved in the tutoring situation. But hey, to each their own. If that works for their relationship than that's cool.

    No matter what decision is made, I don't think it's right that the daughter can just do whatever she wants and know that her parents will pick up the pieces. Time to grow up and take responsibility.
  7. I Will Rise Above
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    #7
    Okay so as for her college classes. She is in 2 college classes and it is considered "head start" she needs the classes to graduate highschool officially and she is in them because if she takes them through the college as head start it is paid for by the school and not "out of pocket." These are 200 level basic classes that had she not taken through the college to get dual credit she would have had to take at her high school.

    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    I think it's weird that the mom is getting involved in the tutoring situation. But hey, to each their own. If that works for their relationship than that's cool.

    No matter what decision is made, I don't think it's right that the daughter can just do whatever she wants and know that her parents will pick up the pieces. Time to grow up and take responsibility.
    See I found that really weird too. I mean her college offers free tutoring for every class all you have to do is go to the resources building and sign up.
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    #8
    I think what works for one family might not work for another, especially on the subjects of money and responsibilities. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation with my kid, I think a lot would depend on the individual child. The daughter could have a disability and that's why her mom is helping out.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by just, Chaleigh View Post
    Okay so as for her college classes. She is in 2 college classes and it is considered "head start" she needs the classes to graduate highschool officially and she is in them because if she takes them through the college as head start it is paid for by the school and not "out of pocket." These are 200 level basic classes that had she not taken through the college to get dual credit she would have had to take at her high school.



    See I found that really weird too. I mean her college offers free tutoring for every class all you have to do is go to the resources building and sign up.
    so shes still in high school?? then yes 100% the mother should be doing everything in her power to make her daughter graduate.
  10. I Will Rise Above
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by *Blondie* View Post
    personally i think its nice that the mother wants to try to help in finding a tutor for her daughter however she shouldnt be stressing herself out over it if her daughter isnt.

    the beginning of this (up until the not caring about school) couldve been written about my life haha but there were classes i had a hard time with, math and stats being the worst, and i wouldve loved it if my parents had been able to help me understand it more. as for paying for it herself i think that depends on the daughter, if she is truly trying and still doesnt pass the class idk shit happens...were all bad at something, but once it becomes normal or a pattern then i totally agree.
    See, I have a hard time as seeing it as nice and more as doing more harm than good ultimately because it is the MOM taking responsibility not the kid and to me that just isn't acceptable at that age.

    I understand what you mean about messing around. I started college at 15 and my parents had to cover my classes until I was 18 and we don't have head start programs here. I worked hard, had a full time job plus school, and never got a tutor or used my resources and failed a math class at 17. I failed by 4pts. 4 freaking points and I had to pay my parents back for that class plus had to pay to retake the class. Let me tell you - that was the only class I ever failed. I worked but I could have done more and my parents' point was that if I am in college I need to act like it and that means being responsible and handling my education or doing it myself. Course once I turned 18 I paid for all my own classes myself anyway which is also a big incentive to not fail.
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