S/O of "Having kids"/ Societal pressures, etc

[mrs.s]

Okay so after reading through the thread on having kids I started to notice a few things. In the other thread a lot of people said that the reason you should/should not have kids is based off of maturity and finances. Based on my own experiences lately and my observation on that thread, it's almost like it has to be a really good reason why people don't want to have kids, or more socially acceptable to say "I don't want kids for this, this, and this reason", then to just say, "I just don't want kids." My husband and I have been married for three years now, and we get the kid question all the time. When we have answered simply and said "we just don't want them", we're always peppered with several questions, like "Why, do you think you guys can't handle them", or "You aren't mature enough yet?". No, my husband and I make good money, and we are very mature, responsible adults...we just don't want kids anytime soon. You should see peoples reactions. It's almost like you better have a dang good reason to be married and not have kids. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I think that it's interesting that in this day and age, getting married and having kids is still considered the thing you have to do, or get accomplished before you die. Or am I wrong? From my own experiences as being one half of a childless couple in the very family oriented military world, I have been looked down upon or given the side eye, b/c I guess, DH and I aren't filling some kind of societal obligation or something. Has anyone ever felt this way? Do you feel like there's still a social stigma attached to childless couples? Or actually...lets' take it further..do you feel like it's a huge social stigma/ huge pressure for single people, or women period, to have kids by a certain time? I'm everywhere with this topic, lol, so respond however you would like.

[danyell]

I think that for some people it is very strange and foreign for someone to say that they just don't WANT children. I will admit that I had a friend who used to despise the idea of wanting children and I thought it was weird. I thought so because I am a very motherly person and one of my main goals in life is to be a mother. I couldn't imagine NOT having children and so it was very hard for me to empathize with her- something that I normally think I can do very well.

I think that society does place a sort of stigma on childless couples, however it shouldn't be that way. There are some who choose not to have kids, and some who choose to have 20. The world still goes round.

I also agree that there is a stigma that women should bear children BY a certain age and AFTER a certain age. If people just minded their own business, we wouldn't have any problems.

I'm all over, also. Just some random thoughts.

[cee_cee88]

To me, personally, it's your choice if you want to have kids are not. Sometimes people want to just have married life and are enjoying their life without having to take care of a little one. I don't see the problem that people make it out to be. It's your life and you can live it the way you want.

I do however see lots of times where people would question you. Sometimes it's religious views, others it's tradition of "passing on the family name"

[mrs.s]

Originally Posted by danyell I think that for some people it is very strange and foreign for someone to say that they just don't WANT children. I will admit that I had a friend who used to despise the idea of wanting children and I thought it was weird. I thought so because I am a very motherly person and one of my main goals in life is to be a mother. I couldn't imagine NOT having children and so it was very hard for me to empathize with her- something that I normally think I can do very well. I think that society does place a sort of stigma on childless couples, however it shouldn't be that way. There are some who choose not to have kids, and some who choose to have 20. The world still goes round. I also agree that there is a stigma that women should bear children BY a certain age and AFTER a certain age. If people just minded their own business, we wouldn't have any problems. I'm all over, also. Just some random thoughts.

I completely agree with you. By the way, you are definitely not all over, you summed up exactly what I was trying to get at perfectly. Lol.

[devilwhiterose]

It's not just about having them in general, it's even about having MORE!

I get EXTREME pressure/arguments from friends, family, coworkers as to why we only want one.

"Well he needs a sibling."
"Why would you only have one."
"You can't just have an only child."

I hate society.

[OliveJuice]

I know EXACTLY how you feel and how people look at you! I get it all the time. It's REALLY hard to explain and like you said, most people get all tight butt'ed when we/him/I say we probably won't have children. I have no doubt that I could have a child but the more and more I think about it...the more I just don't want to deal with it. It's really hard to explain except for... If I was meant to have a child...I would be SUPER excited to have one instead of 95% turned off by the idea completely. Does that make sense? I have nothing against people who do have children....but for me...It's a personal preference. The only time I'm really sad about the thought of not having kids is when I think about when I'm old and I have no grandkids to gloat about. And that to me is just even more selfish than not having a kid.

[LouWho]

I don't want to have kids, neither does db. We get the looks questions etc all the time. I hate feeling like I have to justify myself to random people in our lives.

[sapphiremommy]

I think it stems from curiosity. These days it's almost 2nd nature for people to get married and immediately start having kids. So when it doesn't happen people are curious about the reason behind it. The questions are probably not always worded the best way though and some might consider it being nosey or rude. for someone like me who is curious about a lot of things though we dont' always realize taht those questions are tying into those "social norms".

on the flip side I get so sick of hearing the "well your having kids together why aren't you getting married?". it's like the 2 HAVE to go hand in hand.

[Truegrits81]

I've wanted kids since I was five, so I don't know what its like to NOT want a child. I think that if someone can make the conscience choice to not have kids, then ok. I wouldn't have kids just to live up to a social expectation. Sometimes you feel like having a kid, sometimes you don't. Nothing wrong with that. But maturity and finances do play a big role in deciding to bring another life into the world.

I don't even know what I said.

[fallinstar]

Originally Posted by danyell I think that for some people it is very strange and foreign for someone to say that they just don't WANT children. I will admit that I had a friend who used to despise the idea of wanting children and I thought it was weird. I thought so because I am a very motherly person and one of my main goals in life is to be a mother. I couldn't imagine NOT having children and so it was very hard for me to empathize with her- something that I normally think I can do very well. I think that society does place a sort of stigma on childless couples, however it shouldn't be that way. There are some who choose not to have kids, and some who choose to have 20. The world still goes round. I also agree that there is a stigma that women should bear children BY a certain age and AFTER a certain age. If people just minded their own business, we wouldn't have any problems. I'm all over, also. Just some random thoughts.

..... That is almost word for word how I feel.

I also think that it may depend on your region about what age you should have children. I myself have set age limits. I wanted to start by the time I was 25 and be done by the time I was 30 for fear I didn't want to be a older parent. This being said, doesn't mean I won't have children after 30.


I have also noticed my mom keeps telling me , I want to have grandkids... I'm not like mom I'm not even married. My 101 year old aunt is making comments about how she would LOVE to see my kids and I better get married before she dies... REALLY! pressure anyone.