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Thread: What are the signs?

  1. La Xicana
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    #1

    What are the signs?

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    Sorry about all the posts about domestic violence. But after all the hype about the Chris Brown/Rhyana thing, and everything on the news and radio, I keep thinking about these things.

    I grew up in an abusive home. From before I was born my dad was a heavy alcoholic, yet my mom still married him. For the 20 years they were married, his alcoholism jsut got worse, and so did the violence. My mother chose to stay, and would always say it was for "us kids" that she stayed. I knew better. she was weak and afraid . Finally when I was 19 I managed to convince her to leave his ass, one particular event is what really helped push her over the edge and finally leave, about 1 month before their 20-year anniversary.


    Anyway, I swore that NEVER EVER in my life would I allow myself to be in a relationship where I was abused in any way. Even though I knew the statistics of how growing up in a household like this could increase my chances. but I beat A LOT of bad statistics in my life, so I knew I could bea this one.

    Today on the radio they had an expert on and were talking about "what are the signs you might be in, or that your relationship might be leading in an abusive path?"

    Many times, the signs could be as simple as, and could start as small as the partner being excessively controlling. Texting you 20 times an hour, wanting to know where you are, and telling you how much they need to see you. Some callers didn't realize that something as simple as this, could really lead to an abusive relationship. I don't have the whole list here because I can't open the link to the radio station website, but if anyone wants to go to it and paste the list for me, please feel free to do so:

    jeffandjer.star941sandiego.com/​main.html

    So extending from this, I wanted to see if you ladies would like to add some pointers as to what you feel are RED FLAGS or warning signs, that you might be in an abusive relationship, or that your relationship could be on a path of abuse and/or violence. I'd like to start with one:

    1) Laying ANY type of hand on you. If your partner can do something as simple as grab your arm really hard to where they leave a mark, in the heat of the moment during an argument, I feel that is a HUGE red flag that this could quickly escalate to more heinous violence from the person in the near future.
  2. Community Leader
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    #2
    I don't have much to add, but I agree with you. If they are excessively controlling or they display any unwanted act of aggression, seemingly out of their control, then that is dangerous.


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    #3
    Physically blocking your exit. If you, in a fight, feel a need to leave (or flee) and he physically prevents you from doing so-whether he's touching you or not-that is a huge red flag, and one I wish I had picked up on. I'd say this is the first indication I had that my then-DB would be abusive.

    Accusing you of cheating. even while hollering he wasn't jealous, I was constantly accused of cheating. I just thought he was "insecure" and thought he just needed lots of attention and reassurances. WRong...this was the first step to abuse, control, and isolation.

    Those two things jump out at me-in addition to everything in the OP.

    For background-I was in a 12-year abusive relationship, beginning when I was 19, ending when I left at Age 31.
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    #4
    Talking bad about your friends... (unless your friends really are bad people.)

    One of the first steps that abusive people take is to separate you from any support group. It's a jealousy issue on their part, and they don't realize that they're doing it, but that's often the very first sign.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Ghedi View Post
    Talking bad about your friends... (unless your friends really are bad people.)

    One of the first steps that abusive people take is to separate you from any support group. It's a jealousy issue on their part, and they don't realize that they're doing it, but that's often the very first sign.
    I have to disagree that in many, if not most, cases that they don't recognize that they're doing it. I think most know exactly what they're doing. IMO, people aren't usually "accidentally abusive." They don't just fall into ostracizing you from your peers, your family, your support, tearing you down to where you feel like you deserve what you get and/or that you do not deserve anyone else or that no one else will want you, and physically assaulting you when you have the nerve to disagree with them.
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    #6
    calling all the time

    asking where you are

    asking where you are going

    asking who you are going with

    asking even after telling them who you are going with if there will be anyone else there or any guys there

    insisting on controling the money, not giving access to account information

    following you into a room while on the phone and staying until you are done

    answering the home phone ALL the time.

    intercepting mail

    opening private mail- not the electric bill but personal cards and letters

    cussing at you and calling you names ( whore, Bitch, cunt)

    hitting even if you think you deserved it

    with holding sex and affection

    insisting he go everywhere you go no matter the task- grocery store, mall, and even the Drs for your annual pap.

    there are alot of signs of emotional abuse - statistacally emotional abuse is the most UNREPORTED form of abuse- and in 95% of physical abuse cases the emotional abuse started at the beginning of the relationship.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Ghedi View Post
    Talking bad about your friends... (unless your friends really are bad people.)

    One of the first steps that abusive people take is to separate you from any support group. It's a jealousy issue on their part, and they don't realize that they're doing it, but that's often the very first sign.
    they do know they are doing it-- and it all fits in thier plan of abuse.
  8. Senior Member
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    #8
    Now see, I don't believe that anybody sets out to be abusive... which makes it all the more insidious.

    Nobody wants to be "evil." Hitler and his generals all believed that they were the good guys. Stalin was holding together a riotous budding nation. Almost all evil in the world is done in the name of "good," when people believe that the ends justify the means... such as the Crusades and Spanish Inquisition, or even our involvement in Vietnam.

    Every abusive relationship goes in cycles of "normal" behavior, with ever increasing periods of the abusive partner lashing out. At first, it's just the abusive partner yelling loudly and scaring the other person... then it turns to grappling, then slapping, and finally hitting. After each outburst of violence, the abusive partner apologizes, swears that they'll stop, that they'll get better... that they'll stop drinking, or whatever.

    The worst part is, the abusive partner honestly believes it. They don't want to be violent, they don't want to hurt the other person... When they're lucid, they're good people.

    However, over time, their fears and insecurities build up... they blame their partner for all of their problems, seek more and more to control their actions, to prevent them from leaving, etc., until they blow up again, often worse than ever before.

    This is a case of bad people who don't know that they're bad. It isn't an excuse for the abuser, it's a reason why to avoid abusive people. They honestly mean better, but they never improve. It's a downward cycle of killing someone through good intentions.
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  9. Darkly Dreaming Dexter
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    #9
    Thinking WAAAY back - my first "sign" in my previous marriage was my husband coming home and looking in all the closets before he said anything ot me..

    Yeah - it didn't occur to me that he was actually looking to see if I was cheating on him and hiding my "affair man" in the closet

    What a douche.
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    #10
    the first sign for me, is when he wouldnt let me get an debit card, he wouldnt give me any money and he wouldnt teach me to drive. He was trying to keep me home all the time (in his complete control) and didnt want me to be able to work so I can make money. he wanted to keep all the money to himself so I would have to come to him to ask for money.
    It went from that, to starting to cover doors when we would fight or just get in my face, and not be violent to all out, hittin gme, screaming at me, calling me a whore. It usually starts slowly as the little things about control and slowly they progress into full out abuse. (edit fyi= this is my ex-h I am talking about my df would never lay a hand on me)
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