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Thread: What's the funniest "clueless male" thing your DB/DF/DH has ever said or done?

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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    When we had our first baby, dh was afraid to pick her up/move while holding her. He would have to be set up with pillows all around him, arms in a cradling position and proclaim, "alright! I'm ready!"
    So when I was showering before we were going to leave the hospital with her, she started fussing while she was laying on the bed and he was watching her. He was afraid to pick her up, so he pushed on either side of the inflated mattress and rocked her like that. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.
    Going on #4 he has gotten so very much better, he throws our kids up in the air like it's nothing (I have to look away) and cuddles newborn babies while making bottles without flinching.
    Oh my goodness! Love it haha that's too adorable. I think DB is scared of holding babies too... I've met a lot of guys who are.
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    #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    It's basic education. We learn about your bodies (the average fifteen year old girl would have an uncontrollable giggle fit if you asked her to draw/label a drawing of dick and balls, but she could do it...she'll very likely know more about her boyfriend's body than she does about her own) so it's only fair to expect that you should know the basic workings of ours. Knowing that there are two holes in there would be a good place to start.

    Per topic, when I was pregnant this last time my husband went slightly mad.

    Pure bad luck means that he missed a lot of my pregnancies with our other kids, so a LOT of it was new to him, and he spent a lot of time reading up on things trying to understand. Between not knowing very much about it in general and this particular pregnancy being high-risk and therefore slightly more complicated, he turned into a grandma!

    "Have you taken your meds? Take your meds."

    "Here, drink this vast sea of water all at once."

    "Sit. The fuck. Down."

    It was quite sweet, really...but I was PREGNANT, not SICK.
    But there is a limit to what we want to know\ care about. That shit bleeds down there! And colored discharge, and yeast once rooms. I'm very happy just knowning that if I ever get that close, and I see a string, do NOT pull it. It is NOT a Christmas cracker! And if it smells, move further north.

    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    I say if you're gonna be involved in a woman's parts down there you should have some idea of how they work. I'd venture that almost anyone who has witnessed one of these moments has found it rather innocent and endearing. No one is here to say "ugh men are so stupid," it's all in good fun. If you asked for biggest blonde moment I'd be more than happy to contribute.

    P.S. Yes you can pee with a tampon in. The urethra and vagina are separate.
    I know it was in fun, I was being sarcastic!

    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    What would be the point? By the time we're done with them they're all the same colour anyway



    Thank you Orange is the New Black, for providing the single greatest explanation of human plumbing I think I've ever seen.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=NFvJDM0jlSk



    I usually bring tampons to work (even when I don't need them) because they're so good at staunching cuts in a hurry. It's not as good as a true pit stop at the first aid kit, but it either will give you time to cross the kitchen to reach it or will let you jury-rig a dressing for the cut if the owner is a tightass who hasn't kept the kit stocked.

    Giving an angry, macho little man (a very common species in professional kitchens) a tampon and telling him to put it to use can be HILARIOUS.
    Yes!
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    Oh my goodness! Love it haha that's too adorable. I think DB is scared of holding babies too... I've met a lot of guys who are.
    Yes! Not because we may break them, (babies bounce, and come with padding) we are afraid they will poop and throw up on us!
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #13
    My DH asked me the same thing once. He didn't understand that period blood comes out of the same hole that the dick enters. So in turn he didn't understand that the tampon goes in the same hole, he thought the tampon and period blood go in/out the clit.
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    #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    Yes! Not because we may break them, (babies bounce, and come with padding) we are afraid they will poop and throw up on us!
    No my DH actually thinks he will break a baby. So he handles them with much more caution than he would bread or eggs.
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    #15
    I guess this isn't really a "clueless male" situation, but I still find it funny! DB went with me to get measured at Victoria's Secret & after the girl gave me my measurements he went with me to look for bras. Well, we couldn't find any that size so I went to ask the girl if she knew what other size might be close enough to try out. So she gave me a "sister size" to look for. Ever since then every time we go to Victoria's Secret DB loudly announces "Oh here are bras your size and look over here is your sister size!" He's so proud of himself for knowing all that! I love him!
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    #16
    Quote Originally Posted by caljmw649 View Post
    My DH asked me the same thing once. He didn't understand that period blood comes out of the same hole that the dick enters. So in turn he didn't understand that the tampon goes in the same hole, he thought the tampon and period blood go in/out the clit.
    I genuinely don't understand how someone could NOT know this. It's pure logic.

    What are periods for? To get crud out of the uterus. Therefore, there must be a connection somewhere between "uterus" and "where the blood comes out".

    What's sex for? Other than the obligatory "fuck off, it's fun" answers...production of babies, which live in the uterus until they're cooked. There must be a link between "uterus" and "where the dick goes in".

    Both needs connect the outside world to the uterus? They're probably using the same route to do it, no?

    Honestly. Boys can be very silly

    Quote Originally Posted by LuciR View Post
    I guess this isn't really a "clueless male" situation, but I still find it funny! DB went with me to get measured at Victoria's Secret & after the girl gave me my measurements he went with me to look for bras. Well, we couldn't find any that size so I went to ask the girl if she knew what other size might be close enough to try out. So she gave me a "sister size" to look for. Ever since then every time we go to Victoria's Secret DB loudly announces "Oh here are bras your size and look over here is your sister size!" He's so proud of himself for knowing all that! I love him!
    D'awwwww. He's being helpful.
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    #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    I genuinely don't understand how someone could NOT know this. It's pure logic.

    What are periods for? To get crud out of the uterus. Therefore, there must be a connection somewhere between "uterus" and "where the blood comes out".

    What's sex for? Other than the obligatory "fuck off, it's fun" answers...production of babies, which live in the uterus until they're cooked. There must be a link between "uterus" and "where the dick goes in".

    Both needs connect the outside world to the uterus? They're probably using the same route to do it, no?

    Honestly. Boys can be very silly



    D'awwwww. He's being helpful.
    its just something that men don't think about, nor care about. like how the house magically cleans itself between the time we leave in the morning and when we get back at night; how the dishes get clean after meals, whether a woman orgasms. you know, stuff that just really doesn't affect us.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    its just something that men don't think about, nor care about. like how the house magically cleans itself between the time we leave in the morning and when we get back at night; how the dishes get clean after meals, whether a woman orgasms. you know, stuff that just really doesn't affect us.
    Nice look into the workings of the inner man. Haha
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    #19
    When we go to the store we usually use self checkout, and DH usually scans while I bag. We got some of those pre-made grilled chicken packets for salads and he couldn't figure out why it wasn't scanning. He was getting so frustrated and I just kept laughing. I have no idea what he thought he was scanning, but the barcode was on the other side... he did it multiple times too
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    #20
    Quote Originally Posted by EverlastingLove View Post
    When we go to the store we usually use self checkout, and DH usually scans while I bag. We got some of those pre-made grilled chicken packets for salads and he couldn't figure out why it wasn't scanning. He was getting so frustrated and I just kept laughing. I have no idea what he thought he was scanning, but the barcode was on the other side... he did it multiple times too
    I hate self scan. "THERE IS NO UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!!!"
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