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Thread: Does anyone know where I can find...

  1. hey baby, you got the love I need...
    Pyxie78's Avatar
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    hey baby, you got the love I need...
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    #1

    Does anyone know where I can find...

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    ...that "essay" or whatever about how to help your navy SO when he comes home from deployment? Its some funny list of stuff to do like piling boxes under the bed so the bed is about 2 feet from the ceiling(like a rack) and making it so the shower turns off and on while he's in it...

    I know i'm not explaining it real well but im hoping you guys know what i'm talking about. I want to show my friend. Please help
  2. PRETZEL
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    #2
    Oh I know what you are talking about...I might still have a copy of it. Let me look.
  3. hey baby, you got the love I need...
    Pyxie78's Avatar
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Diamond View Post
    Oh I know what you are talking about...I might still have a copy of it. Let me look.
    so much in advance...
  4. PRETZEL
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    #4
    This is called "How to pretend you're in the Navy." Is this what you were looking for?

    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

    2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

    3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray"

    4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

    5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

    6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees; on Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

    7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

    8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

    9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

    10. Eat the raunchiest food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053"

    11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

    12. Invite 3000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day.

    13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

    14. Make your each family member qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, lawnmower crew man, coffee pot specialist, etc)

    15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

    16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

    18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

    19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

    20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

    21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

    22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

    23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

    24. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel"

    25. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

    26. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on and over your co-workers.

    27. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

    28. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations, or that they have to muster for a man-overboard drill.

    29. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask for hot dogs.

    30. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

    31. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty"; then the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be at least another week before they can leave the house.
  5. hey baby, you got the love I need...
    Pyxie78's Avatar
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    #5
    yup i think thats it...i think theres another one tho thats similar
  6. Not really a navy gf anymore...
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    #6
    Here's what I have, it's called "What to Expect for a Navy Homecoming":

    You will soon have your loved one at home again. He has been living in an extremely crude environment for quite some time and will require time to adjust to his former lifestyle. The key to help him through this difficult time is PATIENCE.

    Remain calm if he mixes his mashed potatoes with his chocolate pudding; stirs his coffee with his finger or ball point pen, or eats as though someone was going to steal his food. Bear with him if he walks out to the back patio and throws the trash over the railing into the backyard. Do not be alarmed when he walks through a door and ducks his head and raises his feet, because it’s not a neurotic condition, it’s just the way he has been walking for the past four and a half months. Show no surprise if he accuses the grocer of being a thief; argues with the sales clerk about the price of each item and tries to sell cigarettes to the newsboy on the sly.

    His digestive tract will also require some adjustment.
    For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they are colorless and falling apart (after they have been sitting out in the hot sun for at least a week prior to his getting home). Eggs must be tinged with a shade of green and be runny, bacon nearly raw and all other meats must be extremely well done. Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef the first night, braised beef the second, beef tips the third, beef stew the fourth, etc. If milk is served, it should be at room temperature and slightly diluted with water. If he prefers to eat his meals while sitting next to the trash can, don’t be concerned, he’s grown so used to the smell that it may take awhile for his normal tastes to return.

    In the evenings, turn off all air-conditioning, open all windows and let in as many bugs as possible. Let him sleep on the floor in the laundry room with the dirty clothes because he’s so used to the smell. For the first few nights wake him every three or four hours. Tell him he’s late for the night watch in the back yard. He’ll understand because he’s been doing something just as stupid for the past three and half months. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to get a complete night’s sleep during the critical adjustment time.

    His daily routine may seem strange to you, especially when he wakes everyone up at six in the morning screaming, Reveille-Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up! Just smile and nod and make sure everyone is up and on the back porch at seven-thirty for muster, instruction and inspection. Then, in the late afternoon, humor him when he walks around the house closing all the windows and doors and reports to you that yoke is set throughout the house. After sundown, don’t argue with him when he yells at you for opening up the window blinds while darken house is set.

    His language may seem foreign and you may not understand all the terms he uses. It isn’t necessary that you do. Just smile and be pleasant. Some of the terms you might hear are; turn-to, Sweepers-sweepers, men working aloft, This is a drill, wog, beerthirty, etc. Do not be surprised when he answers the phone and instead of saying hello, he says; the room he is in, his rank and name. For example, Living room, "You Fill In The Blank" speaking, this is a non-secured line, subject to monitoring, how may I help you sir or mam?

    NEVER make favorable references to the Navy leadership structure. To do so will almost always illicit an extremely loud, violent and profane outburst which may continue for hours.

    The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous place in the house for your USS "You Fill In The Blank" returnee. Before he arrives, strip the bathroom of all accessories such as towels, bathmats, and any and all toiletry items. Crack the mirror and run water on the floor. Toilet paper is optional, but if it is furnished, it must be placed in a puddle on the floor. Turn off the hot water at the source for the first few days. Wait until he is in the shower, soaped up and then turn the water off altogether for about fifteen minutes. All of these precautions are imperative, because if he walks into a bathroom which is complete with the above mentioned items, he may shrink into a corner and curl into a fetal position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens, there are only two proven and accepted methods of snapping him out of it; yell “Mail-Call or Liberty-Call”. In either case, stay clear of the doorway.

    In closing, always remember that beneath that sun-tanned shell there beats a heart of gold, it being the only thing the Navy couldn’t confiscate or re-schedule at a later date. With kindness, patience and the occasional swift kick, your loved one will soon return to his former self.

    GAS UP THE CAR AND STOCK THE FRIDGE WITH BEER ‘CAUSE YOUR MAN IS COMING HOME!!!!’
  7. Not really a navy gf anymore...
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    #7
    That one makes me so much.. and now I want to ask DF how much of this applies to submariners
  8. PRETZEL
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by redhead_navygf View Post
    That one makes me so much.. and now I want to ask DF how much of this applies to submariners

    There is one on How to pretend you're on a SUB. I have a copy of it somewhere but didn't see it when I found the one I posted above. If I find it I'll let you know.

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