*Waiting*
My DB-he's such a wonderful man! I don't know if he even knows that it's the simple little things that he does that make my heart smile. I need to tell him that, before I forget anymore! When we first started talking, I remember explaining to him that I was moving home, that I was done in my marriage. I tried to keep it as light as possible, because I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I did tell him a little about the abuse. We talked about what he went through with an ex girlfriend, and I knew he could relate, on some level. I told him I had to go back to AZ, to pack up my things. I distinctly remember him telling me, "Come home safe." And that struck a chord with me. Because in all the years that I've known him, I don't know if he has ever been that sweet (not that he's a jerk, he is just more reserved). It was then that I realized that I was falling for him. A man I had seen less than a handful of times since we were 18. A man that I grew up with, started developing feelings for at least in 7th grade. A man who knows more about where I grew up than any other man. This man has always been in my life, I have always had feelings for him, I just never expected us to have our chance, our moment. I've always wanted it, but gave up on it afer 2006, when he blatantly ignored me after we went out one night and he got sick. Long story, but that part of it is kind of funny. It also hurt, though. Being ignored by the one man I never thought I'd be ignored by. I know he was embarassed of his behavior (he has since apologized), but it hurt my heart. We started to get that chance then, and then he just stopped talking to me. By the time we met up again, I was married. I knew the feelings were still there. But neither of us acted on them. I've always been proud of the man that he is, and I can tell that he has grown a lot in the past 10 years. We've both grown a lot.
So I know it came as a surprise/shock to him when I emailed him. When we hung out on Valentine's Day (the man brought me 3 red roses, and a small teddy bear-Little Boo that I sleep with every night
). We played Wii with our friends, went out to dinner, watched The Dark Knight, he laughed at me when I jumped at the scenes, we cuddled, and we kissed. 
. I have never understood this feeling before, but it was truly like coming home. It was like my heart finally said, "You are home! This is where you belong!" I got my hair caught in my earring, and he helped me get it untangled. I didn't ask, he just said, "Here, let me help you." In taking this slow, we chose not to call all the time. I did make the choice in April to go see him-and it was such an amazing vacation! Everyone but me knew that he and I would be sharing a room for the week. I honestly didn't even know that my own mom knew until back in July. She KNEW about it before it even happened. I made the choice when I left my marriage that I wasn't going to add the physical part into any relationship in the future for a long time. I knew that going into that amazing week. I also wanted someone to put me first-for once-in life. And he did. He is the one man who has truly thought of me, who has truly respected me. My heart soared with the thought that a man respected me enough to wait. Respected me enough to want to get to know me as a woman, inside and out, because of the person that he is. He held my hand on the roller coaster when I was so scared. He knows I hesitate on a lot of things, but he doesn't know why. I know he knows some of the drama I've been through, but he doesn't know it all. He told me back in February that he was there for me, whenever I wanted to talk. I trust him enough to drink with him, to know that when I am with him and he's been drinking-that he won't abuse that, or abuse me. But yet, I've had a hard time getting out everything. And looking at it, I haven't trusted him enough to let him in all the way. Before, I would say that I never knew how much to tell him, because I didn't want to upset him-which is true. I decided within the past few weeks that I will tell him everything, because he deserves to know why I am reserved at times. Or why I have anxiety at times, why I anticipate certain behaviors. Even though I know he is not that jerk, he would never do that to me. We talked in April about where we stood. He doesn't care that I've been married before, which is such a huge thing for me. I hate that I've been married before, but the great thing is that it doesn't bother him.
Somewhere along the way I've fallen for this man, and I continue to fall. It is such a great feeling! Even better is the images I have of us getting married. I can see it! I have never seen it with anyone like this. It's enough to scare me, but yet make me smile at the same time. It scares me, because I am not ready for that yet. I smile and think, "Hell yeah, baby!" I know he can feels it, too. He even made a reference to it when we were with his cousins, about us getting married. I honestly didn't hear all of it, because I was talking to other people, and that is all that I caught. It shocked me, to hear him say it. But it made me actually warm up to the possibility of getting married again. This time for the right reasons. He recently called me right before he left again. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer, but it brought tears to my eyes to know that I was his last call. It makes me get teary-eyed to know that someone thinks of me in that way. Hard to explain, I know. I guess, because of the past, I don't think anyone would want to be with me. I feel like I am a bad person, because I was told by that jerk that I was a bad wife. I know that shouldn't have bothered me when I heard it, but it did. I also know that I wasn't a bad wife. I was the best wife possible. I do get emotional when I think of finding true love, because I am very positive I have found it. I am certain it has always been right in front of me, I just didn't see it all the way yet.
My friend is encouraging me to tell him how I feel. But I am not ready. For one, I want that convo to be in person, and for two, I want the convo to be after I tell him everything. With him, I know that we have an emotional connection. And to me, that is so much stronger than the physical connection. I could really care less about that right now. It is not a priority with me-never has been. Having the emotional connection is. I feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. They always say that a mate should bring out the best in you, and for the first time, I see it. And I know it's true. All the "boys" I have dated before (and that jerk, too) have never brought out the best in me. It was always the worst.
I realized a few weeks ago that I truly did marry the wrong man. I thought I loved him enough pledge forever to. I thought he loved me enough to never treat me the way that he did. I was wrong on both accounts. I did love him, but it wasn't right. I see it now. I depended on him. When he wasn't happy, obviously it carried over to me. Love will never blame you for things. Love doesn't make you cry nightly. Love doesn't judge you. Love won't make you turn your back on everyone and everything. In truth, he just wasn't the man for me. The man I want won't do those things to me, and expect me to just turn a blind eye to it. The man that I want to spend my life with will be as supportive of me as I am of him. He may get angry with me, but he'll never take that anger out on me. Sure, we'll fight. But he won't disrespect me in any way. And if he makes me cry, he will be genuinely sorry and feel like an ass. Not, "You brought it all on yourself." He won't promise me the moon, and then suddenly take it away when things aren't going great.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealouns, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoings but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...So faith, hope, love remain, thes three, but the greatest of these is love."
I have always liked that quote, but I find it really does hold true now! Definitely not love before! This-now-is the real deal. This is our time, our moment. I am enjoying it all, and loving every minute of my life! He may be thousands of miles away, but he is always on my mind and always in my heart. Sure, the Military life isn't the greatest, but you know what? I have 2.5 (less than, I think!) years to get my life on track, and I am. I am patiently waiting until 2012 for us to be together permanently. 
So I know it came as a surprise/shock to him when I emailed him. When we hung out on Valentine's Day (the man brought me 3 red roses, and a small teddy bear-Little Boo that I sleep with every night
). We played Wii with our friends, went out to dinner, watched The Dark Knight, he laughed at me when I jumped at the scenes, we cuddled, and we kissed. . I have never understood this feeling before, but it was truly like coming home. It was like my heart finally said, "You are home! This is where you belong!" I got my hair caught in my earring, and he helped me get it untangled. I didn't ask, he just said, "Here, let me help you." In taking this slow, we chose not to call all the time. I did make the choice in April to go see him-and it was such an amazing vacation! Everyone but me knew that he and I would be sharing a room for the week. I honestly didn't even know that my own mom knew until back in July. She KNEW about it before it even happened. I made the choice when I left my marriage that I wasn't going to add the physical part into any relationship in the future for a long time. I knew that going into that amazing week. I also wanted someone to put me first-for once-in life. And he did. He is the one man who has truly thought of me, who has truly respected me. My heart soared with the thought that a man respected me enough to wait. Respected me enough to want to get to know me as a woman, inside and out, because of the person that he is. He held my hand on the roller coaster when I was so scared. He knows I hesitate on a lot of things, but he doesn't know why. I know he knows some of the drama I've been through, but he doesn't know it all. He told me back in February that he was there for me, whenever I wanted to talk. I trust him enough to drink with him, to know that when I am with him and he's been drinking-that he won't abuse that, or abuse me. But yet, I've had a hard time getting out everything. And looking at it, I haven't trusted him enough to let him in all the way. Before, I would say that I never knew how much to tell him, because I didn't want to upset him-which is true. I decided within the past few weeks that I will tell him everything, because he deserves to know why I am reserved at times. Or why I have anxiety at times, why I anticipate certain behaviors. Even though I know he is not that jerk, he would never do that to me. We talked in April about where we stood. He doesn't care that I've been married before, which is such a huge thing for me. I hate that I've been married before, but the great thing is that it doesn't bother him.Somewhere along the way I've fallen for this man, and I continue to fall. It is such a great feeling! Even better is the images I have of us getting married. I can see it! I have never seen it with anyone like this. It's enough to scare me, but yet make me smile at the same time. It scares me, because I am not ready for that yet. I smile and think, "Hell yeah, baby!" I know he can feels it, too. He even made a reference to it when we were with his cousins, about us getting married. I honestly didn't hear all of it, because I was talking to other people, and that is all that I caught. It shocked me, to hear him say it. But it made me actually warm up to the possibility of getting married again. This time for the right reasons. He recently called me right before he left again. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer, but it brought tears to my eyes to know that I was his last call. It makes me get teary-eyed to know that someone thinks of me in that way. Hard to explain, I know. I guess, because of the past, I don't think anyone would want to be with me. I feel like I am a bad person, because I was told by that jerk that I was a bad wife. I know that shouldn't have bothered me when I heard it, but it did. I also know that I wasn't a bad wife. I was the best wife possible. I do get emotional when I think of finding true love, because I am very positive I have found it. I am certain it has always been right in front of me, I just didn't see it all the way yet.
My friend is encouraging me to tell him how I feel. But I am not ready. For one, I want that convo to be in person, and for two, I want the convo to be after I tell him everything. With him, I know that we have an emotional connection. And to me, that is so much stronger than the physical connection. I could really care less about that right now. It is not a priority with me-never has been. Having the emotional connection is. I feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. They always say that a mate should bring out the best in you, and for the first time, I see it. And I know it's true. All the "boys" I have dated before (and that jerk, too) have never brought out the best in me. It was always the worst.
I realized a few weeks ago that I truly did marry the wrong man. I thought I loved him enough pledge forever to. I thought he loved me enough to never treat me the way that he did. I was wrong on both accounts. I did love him, but it wasn't right. I see it now. I depended on him. When he wasn't happy, obviously it carried over to me. Love will never blame you for things. Love doesn't make you cry nightly. Love doesn't judge you. Love won't make you turn your back on everyone and everything. In truth, he just wasn't the man for me. The man I want won't do those things to me, and expect me to just turn a blind eye to it. The man that I want to spend my life with will be as supportive of me as I am of him. He may get angry with me, but he'll never take that anger out on me. Sure, we'll fight. But he won't disrespect me in any way. And if he makes me cry, he will be genuinely sorry and feel like an ass. Not, "You brought it all on yourself." He won't promise me the moon, and then suddenly take it away when things aren't going great.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealouns, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoings but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...So faith, hope, love remain, thes three, but the greatest of these is love."
I have always liked that quote, but I find it really does hold true now! Definitely not love before! This-now-is the real deal. This is our time, our moment. I am enjoying it all, and loving every minute of my life! He may be thousands of miles away, but he is always on my mind and always in my heart. Sure, the Military life isn't the greatest, but you know what? I have 2.5 (less than, I think!) years to get my life on track, and I am. I am patiently waiting until 2012 for us to be together permanently.
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