Looking Back A Year Ago...
Posted 10-11-2009 at 07:42 PM by *Court*
Pictures were found today from my reception almost a year ago. My mom wanted to know if I had been crying in one of the pictures that a family member had taken. I said no, but I'm sure that it wasn't far off in the picture. It feels wierd, looking at pictures of something that happened a year ago. Maybe because I can't imagine my life with that person anymore. I can see myself, but it doesn't look like me. I can see clearly the upset on my face, and my mom even commented on how upset I was, by looking at the pictures. That date is coming up in a couple of weeks. And that doesn't even bother me. I actually thought of the events of that day, that night, and the next day after I looked at the pictures. I'm not sad, I'm not crying. I'm not wishing that I were still married to him.
Instead, I see a beautiful woman now, who realizes her self-worth, how much value there is in it. I see a woman stronger than before, who isn't afraid of anything, who won't back down when someone is hurtling nasty words at her. I feel that my life now has more of a direction than it did a year ago. I now am free to go to graduate school, to do what I want. I don't have to give up my dreams in order to let them pursue theirs. I don't have to be alienated from my family and friends. I realized tonight that he really did try to alienate me. If something had happened to me when I was 2000+ miles away from my family and friends (and he wasn't there), they wouldn't have known about it right away. If we had a child, there is no way I could have done it on my own when he was deployed. He expected me to. Some people can do it, and I admire them for it. But not me.
My life is here. I love traveling and I will always travel. But this is my life. This is where I belong. I finally found my place in this world. What is so great is that I do know where my DB is coming back to after he gets out. I know where he hails from, know who his parents are. I know that they love me for me, and don't expect anything in return.
I'm more like the woman I once thought I'd be. Sure, this may not have been the life I imagined for myself when I was younger, but I am exactly where I need to be. I am falling for my DB. I can't tell you when I started falling, because I truly think it was years ago. It doesn't matter to him that I've been married before. Mainly, because we both know that it was a learning lesson in life-the hard way. I cannot stop talking about him! That man makes me smile like I haven't smiled like this in a very long time! I know that he values and respects me, as a person, and most importantly, as a woman. We are not rushing into this, and for once in my life, I am very content with where things are. If we make it to marriage, that will be at least 3 years away. Only time will tell what will happen!
Instead, I see a beautiful woman now, who realizes her self-worth, how much value there is in it. I see a woman stronger than before, who isn't afraid of anything, who won't back down when someone is hurtling nasty words at her. I feel that my life now has more of a direction than it did a year ago. I now am free to go to graduate school, to do what I want. I don't have to give up my dreams in order to let them pursue theirs. I don't have to be alienated from my family and friends. I realized tonight that he really did try to alienate me. If something had happened to me when I was 2000+ miles away from my family and friends (and he wasn't there), they wouldn't have known about it right away. If we had a child, there is no way I could have done it on my own when he was deployed. He expected me to. Some people can do it, and I admire them for it. But not me.
My life is here. I love traveling and I will always travel. But this is my life. This is where I belong. I finally found my place in this world. What is so great is that I do know where my DB is coming back to after he gets out. I know where he hails from, know who his parents are. I know that they love me for me, and don't expect anything in return.
I'm more like the woman I once thought I'd be. Sure, this may not have been the life I imagined for myself when I was younger, but I am exactly where I need to be. I am falling for my DB. I can't tell you when I started falling, because I truly think it was years ago. It doesn't matter to him that I've been married before. Mainly, because we both know that it was a learning lesson in life-the hard way. I cannot stop talking about him! That man makes me smile like I haven't smiled like this in a very long time! I know that he values and respects me, as a person, and most importantly, as a woman. We are not rushing into this, and for once in my life, I am very content with where things are. If we make it to marriage, that will be at least 3 years away. Only time will tell what will happen!
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