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estacia

i want my life back

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by , 05-23-2008 at 03:27 AM (490 Views)
well it is almost 5am. another night without sleep. it seems like a pattern lately. is it too much to ask to have my husband with me? i never realized how hard this would be. i HATE going to bed now. i know i am sleeping alone.
brian only joined the army to take care of me and the kids. i am so grateful for that. but, part of me feels guilty. he is in korea, alone, with no family or friends. just for us. i will never have to question his love again.
i miss him more than words. i can't find any peace at this point. i am not sure what God is trying to show me. i pray every single day the He shows me.
but nothing has happened. and to be honest, i am starting to become bitter.
things have gone on here at home, and i want my husband here to help me with it. why can't he be? why coundn't have brian been stationed somewhere here? WHY GOD WHY?
i feel like i have done something wrong. maybe, in some way, i desearve to feel this. maybe i have hurt the people i love too much. i just don't understand it.
i have so many people who care about me, but for some reason, i am not really able to open up to them. i want to show everyone i am strong. i want people to be proud of me. i don't want anyone to know how weak i really am.
i don't want anyone to know how much i depend on brian. i don't want to be that person. i want to be someone to look up to. but i know, i am not anyone to look up to.
i feel like a fake honestly. i smile and pretend things are ok. but inside i am dying. i am to proud to ask for help. i mean, people have their own problems. why should anyone deal with mine? i just want someone to come up and hug me and say they understand. with no judgement.
God why are You doing this?
i pray you show me what you want me to see

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  1. Honeybee's Avatar
    There is no answer to why God does certain things. Everything is for a reason. At some point we all need to ask for help and help will get you through this. You ask why should anyone deal with your problems, well, that's what friends are for. That is the job of friends. Okay, no one wants to hear about the troubles of someone they don't know and don't care about- but for someone that cares, they want to help, otherwise they wouldn't be around you. :-)

    You want people to proud of you. Honestly, I'm already proud. This outflow of emotions is really really good for you. I can tell you're a person that holds it in so people don't see the 'weakness'. Getting it out this way helps you to deal with it instead of holding it in. Putting yourself out there like that makes you feel not as alone.