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SnarphBlat

Tower.

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by , 12-28-2008 at 12:54 AM (1415 Views)
I am so annoyed with myself and frustrated. Nothing seems to be getting better or changing for me. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish God would just pull me out, but He seems to not want too. My life is always me, me, me.

I wish it was about someone else. I wish, I was loving someone again. I realize though, the man I want will only come in Gods perfect time, not when I want it. I hope and pray it isn't 10 years from now, but if it is, I accept that, and realize that is what is in Gods best interest for me, regardless of what I desire. Though I know He does give us the desires of our hearts, though maybe not in the timing we so desire them. This morning was the first morning that I woke up not hurting. Surprising, but after being up for awhile, it started again. Though, it's not as bad. My days are getting better, I must be good at hiding at hiding the pain. Because today, my manager said how happy I always seem. She was wondering what my secret was. I want to say it was God, but didn't feel like pressing that on her. But honestly, I don't know what makes me happy. I just have to be happy at work, because well, no one wants to work with someone who is grumpy.

Again, this note is based on me. Good job Hillary, for throwing another pity party that no one cares about. This seems to be how I talk to myself when no one else is around. They say it is a sign of old age. If so, I must be in my late 90's by now. I hope that soon the seasons in my life change, that something really good happens to me. Not sure what the good could be, but something. Something for a change, a new view, a new hope. Right now, my hope seems to have faded. The way I dreamed about love, and loving someone has died. It's frustrating to not have any feeling. To feel that you are not going anywhere. People say it takes time, but how much time I want to know. I want to feel normal, but then again, what is normal in a such a sick and twisted world that lives in knots.

Like one of my brothers songs, we are all addicts to something. Something binds ups and follows us day to day. Whether it is good or bad we all hold onto something. We all have hopes and dreams. It's weird to think that once I was such a huge dreamer and now I struggle to find a dream to look forward too. I feel that everything I put my hand to dies or falls apart. I am afraid to put my dreams in motion. I question why I am here in Syracuse living my life. I want to feel a purpose, but it seems that I am in the wrong place. But where else could I go? I have no desire to move back home, only to fly away. I am restless soul desiring an adventure.

I would love, for a man to whisk me off my feet, and take me on his adventure with me. Place me on the back of his horse (motorcycle) and take me away never coming back. Starting a new life, with our without him. He will be Knight, armor or no armor. I do not care. I hope to have fought all my Dragons before he comes along. But maybe I will have one left, that he will fight and bring me out of this tower I seem to live in.

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  1. LoveInTheArmy's Avatar
    just want you to know that im here for you and if you want to meet up we can, it can be for coffee or a movie or anything you want to do to get out of your house but you cant do alone. im going back to cortland on monday jan 5th so PM me and we will make plans. Im here for you!

    p.s. we could all use a little faith to keep us going, even if it seems like there is no light at the end of that tunnel.