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HeismineImhis

If I could I would but I cant because of my Heart

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by , 07-19-2012 at 09:14 AM (1783 Views)
Dear Trevor,:hi
I wish I didnt have to say goodbye. I wish I didnt have to watch you go. I wish I didnt have to sleep alone. I wish you werent a Marine. I just want you here with him. When you are away I miss every little thing about you. Sometimes I even do this weird thing where I can hear you laugh. I sometimes sleep with your shirt on and cuddle way under the covers. I sleep with your pillow clinging to my chest. I have your pictures on my desk.. Pictures with cute quotes that make me feel better about you being away. I have a little whit note form Johnsons House of Flowers that reads "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISHA, LOVE TREVOR." and when I read it somehow it makes me smile and I somehow feel okay. At home I have your picture hangining on the mirror and written next to it a prayer just so I know God is remembering you out there. Its just a prayer for you to return home safely. It helps that God knows just how much I need you. God doesnt give me the things I want always but more so the things I need. I have many support groups full of people who understand. But things I wont ever really tell you.:sadeyes

I have that pictureof you golfing hanging on the wall. You know why I like it so much? Your ass. I love your ass and I can totally check it out in that picture. It sometimes makes me giggle. You know its so me to have a picture of you for your but. and I have that picture of you shooting in the desert with your best friend. It makes me remember you happy. I have my dried out flowers in my yellow vase with the teddy bear and card you gave me on the coffee table in the living room. It reminds me how special I am to you.:vent

but baby if I could really tell you something I would tell you I am not strong enough to handle this. I am not strong enough to know something could possibly happen to you and I wouldnt be able to fix it. I am so scared every day for you. I dont want you to fight for the country I want you home with me. The truth is Trevor I can stand the thought of loosing you. The thought of not waking up to your amazing kiss and not having your strong hand to hold. I cant stand the idea that I might not be able to call you to hear you say you love me. Just the thought of not hearing those words come from your mouth. It scares me. It hurts me. The thought of anything happening to you. Just the thought makes my blood run blue. and my skin go pale. Because baby I do not know what I would do if I lost you. The truth is I try to stand so strong. I try to pretend I am all that you see in me. I know it hurts you to leave I dont want to add on by showing my pain. I dont want to show you my tears because I cant stand seeing yours.:blech

I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts. I miss you. I miss your touch and love and jokes. Oh God how I miss the jokes. I miss the person you turn to when you are drinking and you are so honest but so cute about it. and how you throw a fit at me because you arent getting what you want. I miss your laugh. I get to hear it every now and then on the phone which I am so greatful for but what I wouldnt give to see it. I love your smile. You have a smile that makes the world smile back.. Most importantly you make my heart smile when you smile. I look at these pictures and pretend I can feel you. I pretend I can feel your arms holding me and I pretend to hear your heart beat that puts my mind to sleep when you are here. I sometimes pretend I can hear your voice. I always pretend you are joking though. I imagine being able to touch your arms just touch them. I imagine you giving me that look when you know you are introuble for something. When I am really upset I pretend I can hear you tell me "I dont want to see you upset or angry. How can we fix this." or "Go work out lets do something productive to keep your mind off of it. Oh God I miss you Trevor. I know you hear that daily but I wish I could make you feel it the way I do.:gloomy

If I could only tell you. but I wont. I know you have enough stress and I dont want to give you more. I just pretend I am okay because when you get back, hoping you always come back, I know it will be okay. I maybe cant bring myself to tell you how I really feel but I can tell you I will always be here when you get back.. ALWAYS.. That doesnt change. If I could tell you anything I wouldnt because I dont..... (L)

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