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Hale7sGirl

It starts here: reality blows

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by , 03-15-2011 at 09:24 AM (830 Views)
It's real. He's leaving. It's still a few months away, and I know there are those whose loved ones are already gone, but it doesn't make it any less real, any less inevitable, any less difficult. My boyfriend is in the Army, and in accordance with every cliché, he's my hero, I love my soldier, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My ex of 3 years was a manipulative, controlling, paranoid, sheltered, verbally abusive sob. I never thought anyone could make me feel...right...like my boyfriend now does. Being with him is effortless, natural, and everything I ever wanted. I don't care how long he's gone, where he goes, or what happens over there--I'm going to be here for him when he gets back. I think part of me feels like my personality type is sort of genetically predisposed to handle this. I'm a fulfiller--I feel the best when I fulfill others. I'm an empathizer, a planner, and of a futuristic mindset. All these things are just the core of my being, my biggest strengths, and I'm pleased that I feel as though WHO I am will enable me to do this, and do it well. I'm glad the timing of the pending deployment will interact well with my remaining year of grad school. I can play my graduation off of my boyfriend's return, and I think the two will help distract me and make the time go faster. And while initially, I can't even fathom him being gone a whole year...I can't even comprehend how long that's going to be. How I will fall asleep without his arms around me, how I will physically not see him, not hold him, not kiss him, not touch him, not see him. I know I'm strong enough to make it through this, any one who loves someone who gets deployed has to be, but I *deep breath* am ready for whatever comes our way. I know we can do this, I know he can do anything, and his strength builds me up, too--just as my strength can hold him up, which is my job, my fulfillment, my right, my pleasure to do. It is real though, and it hurts, sure. As I'm writing this, I'm crying...it's pretty much the first time since we found out he was leaving that I've cried. The tears make it real. They make it scary. I pray for strength, and I hope and work on being the strength I know he needs me to be. I want to be there for him in this time of preparation as much as I need him to be there for me. I want him to know I can handle this, and that I’m always here for him. It’s only going to get more real in the coming months and as I attempt to “live for today” and enjoy our precious remaining moments together, I struggle daily with the reminders, but I am processing all this and I am embracing and embodying the strength he needs me to be, that I know I am and have within me, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me, and he deserves the world.

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Updated 03-15-2011 at 09:51 AM by Hale7sGirl

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