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kinda... maybe a little...

Loved&Loving — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:46:27 GMT

sad right now... dealing with not hearing from him due to his work schedule and impatiently waiting to see him is not helping me...
Its only Thursday :( It feels like its been Thursday for like 4 days now... I want it to be SATURDAY!!!! No, I want it to be SUNDAY!!!!! So i will BE there!
I wish I could get just a simple text... >_< anything
Anyways, test tomorrow morning in Chemistry that I am so far from being ready for but my current mood is making me feel like I dont care anymore...
:dunno :tired

OH and my ex fiance, Jon, talked to me on Skype this morning and was a complete DOUCHE! Maybe thats why Im in this mood. I wish I could hear from Andy to help me feel better about Jon. :tears So tired of the games... and yet I feel like I NEED to know he is still ok.
Ok. well thats my rant for the day. Now to focus in Art History class lol

Really really?

Miss.Maggie — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:22:47 GMT

What is with people? When did the holidays become verbally abuse retail workers? I know it has been like this for awhile but this year seems worse.

3 days, 10 hours, and 52 minutes...

Loved&Loving — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:08:15 GMT

I GET TO SEE HIM!!!!!
I cant wait!
Ive been having a terrible week but today is hopefully the turning point for me...
Turned in some essays so those are no longer worrying me.
I am confused a bit tho... you know that feeling like you know something is coming but you arent getting excited about it and it just doesnt feel like its gonna happen? Thats how im feeling about seeing Andy...
I guess its from dealing with the military for so long. You learn not to get excited until it actually happens.
Anyways, I am happy im going to see him... I just dont feel like its real yet.
Best part? we are going to have a house all to ourselves with his puppy Tucker for Thanksgiving!
Possibly lol. We might go to his buddies house instead. Either way, Thanksgiving WITH him! (L)(L)(L)(L)

LONG time... no post...

Loved&Loving — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:19:36 GMT

So, a friend of mine reminded me about my account on here... Not like i really ever forgot but I kinda stopped going on here when things with me and Jon ended...
Anyways, Jon is deployed and as far as I know alive... I got sick of him playing his games so Im currently not hearing from him... Which hurts but it is what it is (something he used a lot...)
On a happier note, Andy and I are happy again. Except for him being worked too hard so he cant call me for a few days at a time... But i can handle that...
So, updates about my life...
School is going... well, honestly, not so well. lol But im making it work. Trying to finish up the semester strong.
SO looking forward to Thanksgiving break (in 6 DAYS!!!!) tho :) I have a lot to be thankful for ;) Flying out to see Andrew for 9 days!!!!!!!!! Best bday this year and now it will be the best Thanksgiving! (L)

Support

peachesmarine — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:20:44 GMT

Nine-teen, a young age for such a lesson

A life filled with heartbreak, tears, drama, and negitivity. People see me go insane, or what they think is insane, they see my eyes burn with tears, and my hands hands shake with uncertainty, they hear the arguments and see the fights, but this isnt me.

Im the teenager standing in my parents kitchen, who cries while she is doing dishes, because its been a year since he has held me in his arms.

Im the girl, that sits at the bar, and watches the couples dance, just because my best friend wanted to get me out of the house.

Im the student that writes every english exam for school, and somehow relates it to him and the military.

My job is not easy, some say im dramatic, others say im out of my mind. I dont do this because its fun, the nights get long and cold, the days pass by like weeks. I live for phone calls and text messages. And for that kiss when he comes home.

I dont expect you to understand me, I dont expect everything to be ok.

I know he loves me, and i love him, and i will proudly and diligently hold the title Marine Girlfriend, no matter how scared i am

Semper Fi

Waiting

*Court* — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:19:25 GMT

My DB-he's such a wonderful man! I don't know if he even knows that it's the simple little things that he does that make my heart smile. I need to tell him that, before I forget anymore! When we first started talking, I remember explaining to him that I was moving home, that I was done in my marriage. I tried to keep it as light as possible, because I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I did tell him a little about the abuse. We talked about what he went through with an ex girlfriend, and I knew he could relate, on some level. I told him I had to go back to AZ, to pack up my things. I distinctly remember him telling me, "Come home safe." And that struck a chord with me. Because in all the years that I've known him, I don't know if he has ever been that sweet (not that he's a jerk, he is just more reserved). It was then that I realized that I was falling for him. A man I had seen less than a handful of times since we were 18. A man that I grew up with, started developing feelings for at least in 7th grade. A man who knows more about where I grew up than any other man. This man has always been in my life, I have always had feelings for him, I just never expected us to have our chance, our moment. I've always wanted it, but gave up on it afer 2006, when he blatantly ignored me after we went out one night and he got sick. Long story, but that part of it is kind of funny. It also hurt, though. Being ignored by the one man I never thought I'd be ignored by. I know he was embarassed of his behavior (he has since apologized), but it hurt my heart. We started to get that chance then, and then he just stopped talking to me. By the time we met up again, I was married. I knew the feelings were still there. But neither of us acted on them. I've always been proud of the man that he is, and I can tell that he has grown a lot in the past 10 years. We've both grown a lot.

So I know it came as a surprise/shock to him when I emailed him. When we hung out on Valentine's Day (the man brought me 3 red roses, and a small teddy bear-Little Boo that I sleep with every night :) ). We played Wii with our friends, went out to dinner, watched The Dark Knight, he laughed at me when I jumped at the scenes, we cuddled, and we kissed. :wub. I have never understood this feeling before, but it was truly like coming home. It was like my heart finally said, "You are home! This is where you belong!" I got my hair caught in my earring, and he helped me get it untangled. I didn't ask, he just said, "Here, let me help you." In taking this slow, we chose not to call all the time. I did make the choice in April to go see him-and it was such an amazing vacation! Everyone but me knew that he and I would be sharing a room for the week. I honestly didn't even know that my own mom knew until back in July. She KNEW about it before it even happened. I made the choice when I left my marriage that I wasn't going to add the physical part into any relationship in the future for a long time. I knew that going into that amazing week. I also wanted someone to put me first-for once-in life. And he did. He is the one man who has truly thought of me, who has truly respected me. My heart soared with the thought that a man respected me enough to wait. Respected me enough to want to get to know me as a woman, inside and out, because of the person that he is. He held my hand on the roller coaster when I was so scared. He knows I hesitate on a lot of things, but he doesn't know why. I know he knows some of the drama I've been through, but he doesn't know it all. He told me back in February that he was there for me, whenever I wanted to talk. I trust him enough to drink with him, to know that when I am with him and he's been drinking-that he won't abuse that, or abuse me. But yet, I've had a hard time getting out everything. And looking at it, I haven't trusted him enough to let him in all the way. Before, I would say that I never knew how much to tell him, because I didn't want to upset him-which is true. I decided within the past few weeks that I will tell him everything, because he deserves to know why I am reserved at times. Or why I have anxiety at times, why I anticipate certain behaviors. Even though I know he is not that jerk, he would never do that to me. We talked in April about where we stood. He doesn't care that I've been married before, which is such a huge thing for me. I hate that I've been married before, but the great thing is that it doesn't bother him.

Somewhere along the way I've fallen for this man, and I continue to fall. It is such a great feeling! Even better is the images I have of us getting married. I can see it! I have never seen it with anyone like this. It's enough to scare me, but yet make me smile at the same time. It scares me, because I am not ready for that yet. I smile and think, "Hell yeah, baby!" I know he can feels it, too. He even made a reference to it when we were with his cousins, about us getting married. I honestly didn't hear all of it, because I was talking to other people, and that is all that I caught. It shocked me, to hear him say it. But it made me actually warm up to the possibility of getting married again. This time for the right reasons. He recently called me right before he left again. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer, but it brought tears to my eyes to know that I was his last call. It makes me get teary-eyed to know that someone thinks of me in that way. Hard to explain, I know. I guess, because of the past, I don't think anyone would want to be with me. I feel like I am a bad person, because I was told by that jerk that I was a bad wife. I know that shouldn't have bothered me when I heard it, but it did. I also know that I wasn't a bad wife. I was the best wife possible. I do get emotional when I think of finding true love, because I am very positive I have found it. I am certain it has always been right in front of me, I just didn't see it all the way yet.

My friend is encouraging me to tell him how I feel. But I am not ready. For one, I want that convo to be in person, and for two, I want the convo to be after I tell him everything. With him, I know that we have an emotional connection. And to me, that is so much stronger than the physical connection. I could really care less about that right now. It is not a priority with me-never has been. Having the emotional connection is. I feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. They always say that a mate should bring out the best in you, and for the first time, I see it. And I know it's true. All the "boys" I have dated before (and that jerk, too) have never brought out the best in me. It was always the worst.

I realized a few weeks ago that I truly did marry the wrong man. I thought I loved him enough pledge forever to. I thought he loved me enough to never treat me the way that he did. I was wrong on both accounts. I did love him, but it wasn't right. I see it now. I depended on him. When he wasn't happy, obviously it carried over to me. Love will never blame you for things. Love doesn't make you cry nightly. Love doesn't judge you. Love won't make you turn your back on everyone and everything. In truth, he just wasn't the man for me. The man I want won't do those things to me, and expect me to just turn a blind eye to it. The man that I want to spend my life with will be as supportive of me as I am of him. He may get angry with me, but he'll never take that anger out on me. Sure, we'll fight. But he won't disrespect me in any way. And if he makes me cry, he will be genuinely sorry and feel like an ass. Not, "You brought it all on yourself." He won't promise me the moon, and then suddenly take it away when things aren't going great.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealouns, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoings but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...So faith, hope, love remain, thes three, but the greatest of these is love."

I have always liked that quote, but I find it really does hold true now! Definitely not love before! This-now-is the real deal. This is our time, our moment. I am enjoying it all, and loving every minute of my life! He may be thousands of miles away, but he is always on my mind and always in my heart. Sure, the Military life isn't the greatest, but you know what? I have 2.5 (less than, I think!) years to get my life on track, and I am. I am patiently waiting until 2012 for us to be together permanently. :wub :smitten :sweetheart :lovingyou

Just another deployment

bubbleheadwife — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:05:53 GMT

While I have not posted a blog in a while, I feel like its the best way to just get this off my chest.

Deployments suck, we all know what. Whether you are in one now or you have been through them, it's just a fact of this life. I feel though as if each person's situation is different. Mine is only unique in that I m lonely for a reason that is not deployment related. DH and I have not had any children, and theres nothing saying I should have them right now - but I just feel as if everyone I talk to about my current emotional state either says something to the effect of "Wow, I really wonder what you do with your time...." or "It's only you, what are you complaining about" (im serious...someone actually said that to me...)

I dont really know how to react to this. I have my job, my animals and my friends and family to keep me occupied....but I can still be sad. I can still be sad about my husband being gone. I still have things to keep my occupied. I have a life! I have things to keep me busy - while they may be no child related, or stilling at home with a good movie or book, I am still keeping busy.

I dont want people to feel sorry for me...and neither do I want people to think I should just be okay because I only have to take care of myself....Just stop with your opinions about my life. If you want to be supportive, then be supportive. If not, just leave me alone..... :carryon

Update to First Blog

gaarngwife — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:41:42 GMT

Update from first blog. First son's name isn't Aidan Joshua as was planned at the time but is now a junior named after his dad.

I Graduated in 2002, how do I still have homework?

lilygirl0415 — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 02:58:50 GMT

Ugh. I am "behind" on "homework" for work. I have been enrolled --against my will-- in a company-wide leadership training program. OK, no prob, I'll go and sit through the seminars and try to apply blah to blah blah blah. I did not sign up for homework!

I went to school already. I have a degree.

Bottom line: we've had 1 seminar a month since February with homework assigned to each one... I have completed exactly 0 assignments.

It's all due Thursday. Being a leader is such a pain. I will never run for President... of anything.

Looking Back A Year Ago...

*Court* — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:42:21 GMT

Pictures were found today from my reception almost a year ago. My mom wanted to know if I had been crying in one of the pictures that a family member had taken. I said no, but I'm sure that it wasn't far off in the picture. It feels wierd, looking at pictures of something that happened a year ago. Maybe because I can't imagine my life with that person anymore. I can see myself, but it doesn't look like me. I can see clearly the upset on my face, and my mom even commented on how upset I was, by looking at the pictures. That date is coming up in a couple of weeks. And that doesn't even bother me. I actually thought of the events of that day, that night, and the next day after I looked at the pictures. I'm not sad, I'm not crying. I'm not wishing that I were still married to him.

Instead, I see a beautiful woman now, who realizes her self-worth, how much value there is in it. I see a woman stronger than before, who isn't afraid of anything, who won't back down when someone is hurtling nasty words at her. I feel that my life now has more of a direction than it did a year ago. I now am free to go to graduate school, to do what I want. I don't have to give up my dreams in order to let them pursue theirs. I don't have to be alienated from my family and friends. I realized tonight that he really did try to alienate me. If something had happened to me when I was 2000+ miles away from my family and friends (and he wasn't there), they wouldn't have known about it right away. If we had a child, there is no way I could have done it on my own when he was deployed. He expected me to. Some people can do it, and I admire them for it. But not me.

My life is here. I love traveling and I will always travel. But this is my life. This is where I belong. I finally found my place in this world. What is so great is that I do know where my DB is coming back to after he gets out. I know where he hails from, know who his parents are. I know that they love me for me, and don't expect anything in return.

I'm more like the woman I once thought I'd be. Sure, this may not have been the life I imagined for myself when I was younger, but I am exactly where I need to be. I am falling for my DB. I can't tell you when I started falling, because I truly think it was years ago. It doesn't matter to him that I've been married before. Mainly, because we both know that it was a learning lesson in life-the hard way. I cannot stop talking about him! That man makes me smile like I haven't smiled like this in a very long time! I know that he values and respects me, as a person, and most importantly, as a woman. We are not rushing into this, and for once in my life, I am very content with where things are. If we make it to marriage, that will be at least 3 years away. Only time will tell what will happen!

Gain a boyfriend, Lose a car

lilygirl0415 — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:45:21 GMT

He was on a short deployment to South America for the last 2- 1/2 months. He came home last week and on the way from SA back to Bragg, he and his team Sgt needed to stop in Miami to give a briefing... so I decided very last minute to switch my days off from work, and drive the 4 hours to see him! (we haven't seen eachother since the beginning of July).

I was only supposed to be there for a day since work is really crappy right now and we're only allowed 1 day off...

I get down there on a Tuesday night, we spend the night and most of Wednesday together... then my car breaks down in the middle of the damn road in Miami. I have it towed to a shop and they tell me they can fix it in 2 days... goodie! I'll just have to stay down there w/ DB and "suffer" through the car repair. Let me tell you, we "suffered" several times over the next 2days.:giggle

He had to leave on Friday morning to go back to Bragg and I took a cab to the shop to pick up my car and drive home... only, it's bad news when I get there. The repairs they did were not enough to save it... I need a new transmission! --Let me also note here that I drive a '96 Honda Civic and the cost of a new transmission is roughly the worth of the entire vehicle (when it was still in working order!).

Soooo, it's a week later and my car is still in Miami while I am in Orlando using my dad's car (thank you!!!)... the 'rents were nice enough to drive from their house in Palm Beach county down to Miami to pick me up and send me on my way in one of their vehicles. Nothing like being picked up by your parents to send you back a bit on the "perceived maturity meter." I am 29 years old for crap's sake! I have a good job and live on my own... I shouldn't have to be "saved" by my parents anymore!

So anyway, it has been quite the ordeal, but I savored every second with DB!!!!!!!!! I will see him again in about 2 weeks, and I should get my car back next weekend... you know, if all the stars align.

Unproductive and loving it

lilygirl0415 — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:19:21 GMT

As some of you may know, I have been absent from MSOS for a verrrrry long time due to lack of internet at my house. Yes, I have access at work, but they audit our computers and restrict a bunch of stuff, so why bother?

I'm back! I have upped my post count by at least 30 within the last 2 days, also noting that I am procrastinating on laundry b/c I've been on the damn internet all day long. I still need to workout and go grocery shopping, but I think I will put that off until tomorrow since I am just having such a wonderful time catching up on life at MSOS and the rest of the world wide web!

I think I need to blog hehe

Marinesbabiigirl — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 05:07:53 GMT

Yes it's been quite sometime since I have last blogged on here.....

Well me and Johnny are still together I love him more then I did when I first met him we are getting really close to our 5 yr anniversary and I am excited I think he is going to pop the question I just have this nagging feeling but if he does I will definitely have pictures of my ring hehe.. Well I am here with major insomnia and I hate it!!! I have Ben's party in the morning Brandy's son and I have to go ughhh I'd rather not.... But I am friends with Brandy and Ben wants me there so yea stuck in a really bad spot... Well I think I am going to post a little more and read some and work on my bracelets I just hope people will buy

--Cat

Question

EllieJo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:34:43 GMT

If you are friends (just friends) with a guy and you go to a movie with him... Is that cheating?

I have a really good guy friend, he knows I'm married and he totally respects that. I enjoy talking to him and having someone to hang out with. Just because he is a guy and I'm a girl does that mean it's wrong? I met him at a party while my DH is overseas and they have not met. Nothing has happened and nothing will happen... I just want to get some other thoughts on the idea.

Do you believe it is wrong to have a friend who is a guy when your husband is overseas?

Another day... Another Fight

EllieJo — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:07:45 GMT

I turned 24 on Sept. 30th this year. Even though I should be excited about my birthday I'm not. My DH is overseas and once again like clockwork sent me flowers. Roses to be exact. I have received roses from him for each holiday he has been gone. I'm so sick of getting flowers! He could order me anything but no he gets me flowers. How sad is it that the only reason I was excited about my birthday is that this year I get to spend MY birthday money on myself. Every year since I have met him we have had to spend MY birthday money on bills or rent or something we needed. Something would always come up and we would be counting on that money to cover it. Sad thing is half the time it would be due to his spending too much on something stupid. This year I started to cry as I thought about how happy I was to be able to spend the money on myself. I can't believe it has been nearly 5 years since I have been able to spend my own birthday money...

DH and I talked the other night. We got into a huge fight because I told him I wanted us to be more active when he came home. He freaked out and told me that we would talk about it after he got home. Which is not till sometime after winter. Most of his friends from high school are married and now pregnant. I told him that I felt we should meet some new people. He told me that the only reason I wanted to meet new people is so I wouldn't want a child right away. When I told him I really wanted to wait till I was 27 he freaked out. "I wish I had been part of that decision" was all he said.... NEWS FLASH BABE you are not home for me to talk to all the time! I told him nothing was set in stone but he informed me that he wanted us to have a child within 1 year of him coming home. I've changed and I enjoy going out at night again. I told him that we would need time to get to know each other again. But he just kept saying how if I wanted to wait another 3 years then he should just resign to get more money. I hate that! I told him to go for it but I didn't want to hear his bitching about them being on him about his weight and physical shape. Guess we will see what happens... all I know is I'm not ready to be a mom and for my whole life to change again.

There is a country songs that goes "She married when she was 20... she thought she was ready... now she's not so sure. She thought she'd done some living... now she's just wondering what she's living for... She doesn't want to leave... She's just wondering is there life out there?" DH and I married when I was 21. I love him and I don't want to loose him. I just need something more in my life than my day ending at 5 when he comes home from work. I need him to get to know my friends and go to parties with me, NOT at his friends places. We have been together for nearly 5 years and I can count 3 times that we have gone to a party one of my friends was having... I don't think I can count all the parties that we have gone to for his friends. I just don't know what yo do anymore.... I love him but I've changed and part of me is wondering if he will still love me for who I am or if he will want me to be the same 21 year old girl he married... I just don't think I can go back to being that girl again.