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Thread: My lost vet :(

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    deedsnotwords's Avatar
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    #1

    Confused My lost vet :(

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    My boyfriend retired from the military nearly five years ago. He was a spec. ops soldier and his life was pretty intense for about nine years. Retirement hasn't been easy for him. He seems so lost. He tells me he feels like his life is purposeless, that whatever he does in his civilian life is insignificant compared to what he did in his military life. He talks a lot about how he used to make a difference in people's lives and that he can't seem to shut off that part of him that is programmed to go go go go go. He feels like he's just moving aimlessly through life, with no direction.

    He's had so many jobs since leaving the military. He went to chef school, had a bunch of odd jobs from retail to security consulting. Then he went to college. He recently got a job in retail, for lack of anything better to do. I think this might have caused his recent depression as he has a very difficult time relating to civilians. People who are selfish, illogical, or quit easily drive him absolutely crazy and we all know that when you work with the general public you are going to have to deal with these sort of people daily. I worried about his decision, but didn't say anything to him thinking maybe it might be good for him to be more exposed to people (he his a homebody and doesn't socialize much). Frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't been fired yet due to some of the things he's said to a few customers...sure they deserved it but still...

    I'm just not sure how to help him. When he talks to me, I try to be supportive, but he feels like I'm coddling him. If I take a step back and let him work though it on his own, he feels like I'm distancing myself from him because he's letting me down or he's making me feel 'inferior' somehow. He's afraid I'll leave if he doesn't get his life together, despite me telling him that we will get through this together and there are times where I'm afraid he will leave because he's so afraid he's treating me badly and in his mind, disappointing me is the ultimate no no.

    I just want him to be happy. It hurts me to watch him struggle so hard. I've suggested he take one of the contracts for consultant work that he's been offered, but he doesn't want to work for the military anymore. Personally, I feel like it's the only place he'll be happy, but he's the one who needs to decide what's best for him. I'm just at a loss at how I'm supposed to help him. I feel so useless right now.

    Any suggestions?
  2. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #2
    Welcome to the board. Please make sure to introduce yourself in the Newbies section.

    Sorry you are struggling with this. All you can do is what you are doing. Love him, encourage him and be by his side. He will have to find his way on his own, with your loving support.





    "Don't worry about being right,
    just worry about being kind."
    ~Tilly Therber
  3. Luke 6:37 & Matthew 7:1-2
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Solstice View Post
    Welcome to the board. Please make sure to introduce yourself in the Newbies section.

    Sorry you are struggling with this. All you can do is what you are doing. Love him, encourage him and be by his side. He will have to find his way on his own, with your loving support.

    There are many ways he can make a difference in peoples lives here to. He can volunteer he can be a mentor with the boys and girls club. Her could apply to mentor a boy in the "big brother " program... Ect...
    Rissa*Rawr is my Wifey as of 1/24/2012
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    Yeah, I've mentioned that to him as well. He does motivational speaking from time to time, and he did have a job where he worked with underprivileged children, but he says it never feels like he's doing enough. Personally I think part of it is because he cant' see the results of his effort right away and that is something he's going to have to learn to deal with I suppose.

    He talked a bit last night about how he gets to this place from time to time. A lot of it he says is he knows he left the military too early and he feels a lot of guilt for leaving his team. He feels like he abandoned them and he let them down. In some way, I think he's trying to find a way to make it up to them, even if they don't hold his decision for early retirement against him at all. I try to point out that of the 12 of them and those still living among us, only one is still active in the program. But that doesn't matter to him because he feels like he quit on them.

    You're right though, the best I can do for him is just be there and offer him a sense of stability in his life. I can't solve his problems for him, no matter how badly I wish I could.

    Thank you
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    #5
    My DB was/is the same way. I went through elementry school with him and he seemed very different from all the other kids/friends. I learned that he grew up in a very military structured house. A week after high school graduation went right into active duty, and did one tour as active. I reunited with him half way through his first tour over facebook, and when he was doen with his "contract" he came back to his home town and we hit it off. My DB acts almost the same way. He join the National Guard with in a month of being home because he couldn't handle civilian life. He than found that National Guard was a joke to him, and the way he works/ trains... He transfer MOS's and units. Had a few jobs here and there. He even worked with my dad (which was such a bad idea) How my dad didn't want to kill him I have NO clue! haha Between jobs he woul try and clean the house the cars, get yard work doen, or start projects... He couldn't even finish something he started. All I could do was help him find his goals and help him reach them, and be support of anything he wanted to try or do. He join the fire department that I was on, and he was apart of prior to active duty and found himself only getting angry fustrated, and feeling like he was waisting his time because the chain of command didn't run as structured as he wanted or needed. He recently made a drastic decision to switch Guard states/units, just so he can get on another tour. He was hoping that would help him get back into the swing of things...But he has found himself under a commander he can't stand because he has never been deploied, and only knows the way of National Guard. He currently can't wait to come home, but I fear it will be the same thing all over again.
    My advise is to be supportive of anything he wants to try and do! Love him and hafe faith that he will find happines in something he may end up doing. Good luck

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