Originally Posted by momrisner
That was great reading. My dh has been newly diagnosed as PTSD and I am in the research stages of finding out as much as I can. Thanks for posting it.
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I have been researching, discussing and helping others for two years now. It is a great relief to know you're not alone when there are so many people that surround you in your daily life, off the internet who do not fully understand PTSD and the world that consumes it. With all the information that I have, I still lose my strength at times.
My biggest struggle with being a carer is, I take things personally when I shouldn't. What my husband sees as protecting us-- I see it as avoiding us and pushing us away completely out of his life. Its hard to be one step ahead of the game when the rules are constantly changing. I can say something one day that he thought was funny, then say it again a week later and he goes ballistic! Also as a carer, I sometimes walk on eggshells with him due to the fact I never know what he's going to say or do.
We're never going to be perfect as carers, but our SO's sometimes expect us to be. We lose our strength and sometimes cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. A lot like our SO's see. I lose my patience from time to time, as anyone would to the challenges we face daily. Its hard not to take things personally, because they're directed at us. One thing I stress to my husband is, he's normal. He's not crazy, he is only doing what he knows how to do. And he is so scared to let me and our son see the man who he was at war, that he just pushes us away. He holds a lot of guilt for the things he had to do and the things that he saw. He also carries the guilt for coming home and not being the person he used to be.
The thing about PTSD sufferers is they have very low self-esteem. And it is very, very difficult for them to feel love and give love back. They do this because they don't love themselves. They wake up every morning to see a person in their bathroom mirror that they can't even recognize. He is this stranger unto himself and I can't imagine just how scary that can be for someone. Just as us carers do, our SO's desperately try to get acquainted with themselves, because the person they used to be, never left the war. They come back a stranger to themselves, their family and their friends. They hold this guilt too.
Patience is your only friend, while you both get acquainted with the stranger that has entered your home. Not only are they a stranger to you, but you're a stranger to them too. This is probably the cause of most divorces. The carer and the sufferer want so badly to have themselves back, that the sufferer will distance themselves from you in order to be in complete control. And the carer grieves so much over the person that they lost, that they have such a difficult time accepting the person their sufferer is today.
A friend once gave me some really great advice. She said, if you want a relationship to heal, stop picking at its wounds. Stop obsessing over who was lost and accept who it is you're going to gain. Every once in a while, the person you saw before the war will come to the surface. But, with the roller coaster ride of emotions they hold, that person will drop below the surface and the roller coaster ride will begin once again.
As a carer, we can say all the right things, but our sufferers need to see it to believe it. If you're saying the words such as, "I love you." Our SO's need to be shown. They need to relearn to love and be loved by you. In a world of PTSD, words are just words. But to a sufferer seeing it, is believing it.